Food Addiction
Maybe a public blog post isn't the most appropriate place to come to terms with an addiction, but I'm realizing this right now and I feel like it should be vocalized. I'm addicted to emotional eating. My emotions guide the things I eat and the way I eat. Sometimes I'm too upset to eat much of anything, and other times it's all I can do to not drive up to a McDonald's in the morning. I don't know what it is about food but it seems to make me whole. It fills the cracks that gape open and makes every rough edge feel comfortable. The only problem is, it doesn't last. Food doesn't last. Eventually, by the advent of nature it passes away and you just need more and more of it to fill you up.
I think my unhealthy relationship started while I was on my mission. Almost every P-Day when I was in an area near to McDonald's, I would wake up and get myself a sausage mcmuffin with a hash brown for breakfast. I did it mostly to comfort me, that particular breakfast reminds me of early mornings with my dad. It continued on to a cherry coke on a hard day, or hot cheetos because "YOU DESERVE IT." Who came up with this stuff anyways? Who said that food is a reward system? It shouldn't be.
I tell myself I don't want to quit my obsession because even though I know eating healthy, and having boundaries with food will help me, I deserve to eat the stuff I want to. I say to myself, What's so bad with candy now-and-again? Soda isn't always bad. I don't want my kids to not know what a McDonald's breakfast tastes like. Ice cream is soul food, not just food-food. The list really can go on forever and ever.
The problem is, the past couple of weeks I have seen myself slipping into a mild depression. I've stepped away from gospel related things, from friends, from family, and I've found myself in a room alone- with food. I say I've seen myself because a lot of times I feel like I'm living outside of my body. I honestly feel like someone watching their life on a movie screen, cringing and laughing. What is happening? That was a disaster! Someone should tell her.
Maybe this is all to personal, maybe I need to see a therapist. MAYBE- I just need to remember who I am, and start living in the moment I'm in and remember that living in the moment doesn't mean, "doing whatever feels good right then" it means, getting uncomfortable and learning self control and reliance. How am I ever going to be strong enough to be a mother to my one-day-in-the-distant-future-children, if I can't even stop myself from drinking a soda when I know it won't taste good??
Does this make any sense?
I think my unhealthy relationship started while I was on my mission. Almost every P-Day when I was in an area near to McDonald's, I would wake up and get myself a sausage mcmuffin with a hash brown for breakfast. I did it mostly to comfort me, that particular breakfast reminds me of early mornings with my dad. It continued on to a cherry coke on a hard day, or hot cheetos because "YOU DESERVE IT." Who came up with this stuff anyways? Who said that food is a reward system? It shouldn't be.
I tell myself I don't want to quit my obsession because even though I know eating healthy, and having boundaries with food will help me, I deserve to eat the stuff I want to. I say to myself, What's so bad with candy now-and-again? Soda isn't always bad. I don't want my kids to not know what a McDonald's breakfast tastes like. Ice cream is soul food, not just food-food. The list really can go on forever and ever.
The problem is, the past couple of weeks I have seen myself slipping into a mild depression. I've stepped away from gospel related things, from friends, from family, and I've found myself in a room alone- with food. I say I've seen myself because a lot of times I feel like I'm living outside of my body. I honestly feel like someone watching their life on a movie screen, cringing and laughing. What is happening? That was a disaster! Someone should tell her.
Maybe this is all to personal, maybe I need to see a therapist. MAYBE- I just need to remember who I am, and start living in the moment I'm in and remember that living in the moment doesn't mean, "doing whatever feels good right then" it means, getting uncomfortable and learning self control and reliance. How am I ever going to be strong enough to be a mother to my one-day-in-the-distant-future-children, if I can't even stop myself from drinking a soda when I know it won't taste good??
Does this make any sense?
Girl I feel you on this, there are some items of food that I feel like I need in my life, even though it's making me unhealthy. There are a couple of different programs that I've found to help me learn to eat better, I can tell you about them if you'd like!!
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