Feel His Love
I don't feel him around anymore.
When I wake up in the morning and plant my feet onto the ground, there is a stillness that chills my bones, and makes me feel hollow inside. I walk to the kitchen and pour water into a mug for my tea and put it in the microwave. With the click of the latch, nothing happens. "I forgot to pray" I think, as I push the tea bag down into the bottom of the mug with a spoon. (Why I'm even drinking tea, is beyond me.) "I'm already up, I'll just pray in my head." I walk around the house thanking God for my family and the clothes on my back, and then I realize the time. Work, it's time for work. "What should I wear today?" and the moment of gratitude is over.
The day begins with nothing more than a thank you, and he is no where to be found. He must not want to be with me. (I lie to myself.) I don't deserve it anyway. (Another lie.) How abominable we humans are to deject our Father, our life-source, and float throughout our day weightless and numb. I know that, but I still can't seem to face the truth.
I started my mission papers two months ago. Believing with all my heart that this was my moment, my time. I knew God lived, I knew he loved me, and I knew without a doubt, that I was to serve a mission. It does not surprise me as much as it hurts me, to be held back. To feel unworthy, unhappy and truly depressed. How can this happen now? Why do I feel this way? What is the point in all of this?
Part of me knows and trusts the judgement of God. That same part knows that I'm not doing my part, and my lack of effort is what is hindering this. The other part, the human part. It doesn't care, it doesn't understand. It is a screaming four year old child, laying face down on the ground, crying into the carpet. "This is not fair!"
There are moments when I think, maybe I should see a counselor or a doctor. Maybe this is an illness. So many people deal with depression, and you hear about it constantly in the news, on TV. Maybe that is what this is. The feeling that no matter what, you won't be good enough. The constant nagging and guilt when you don't do something as well as you know you could have. Or that empty hollow feeling, which makes you feel like you have nothing inside your skeleton. But that's not me. I'm not depressed! I am just having a hard time... Aren't I?
In the end, when the dust settles, and I throw out my pride, things are better. It's easier to get through the day-to-day. I take the time to say a meaningful prayer to my Father in Heaven and peace comes to my soul. I start to feel my heart beat within my chest, and the blood coursing through my veins. I'm alive, I know it, I'm more than just a skeleton... and better yet; I start to feel him around me again, as though he never left. Then a soft whisper speaks to my heart, I never did, I never will.
When I wake up in the morning and plant my feet onto the ground, there is a stillness that chills my bones, and makes me feel hollow inside. I walk to the kitchen and pour water into a mug for my tea and put it in the microwave. With the click of the latch, nothing happens. "I forgot to pray" I think, as I push the tea bag down into the bottom of the mug with a spoon. (Why I'm even drinking tea, is beyond me.) "I'm already up, I'll just pray in my head." I walk around the house thanking God for my family and the clothes on my back, and then I realize the time. Work, it's time for work. "What should I wear today?" and the moment of gratitude is over.
The day begins with nothing more than a thank you, and he is no where to be found. He must not want to be with me. (I lie to myself.) I don't deserve it anyway. (Another lie.) How abominable we humans are to deject our Father, our life-source, and float throughout our day weightless and numb. I know that, but I still can't seem to face the truth.
blinksoflife
I started my mission papers two months ago. Believing with all my heart that this was my moment, my time. I knew God lived, I knew he loved me, and I knew without a doubt, that I was to serve a mission. It does not surprise me as much as it hurts me, to be held back. To feel unworthy, unhappy and truly depressed. How can this happen now? Why do I feel this way? What is the point in all of this?
Part of me knows and trusts the judgement of God. That same part knows that I'm not doing my part, and my lack of effort is what is hindering this. The other part, the human part. It doesn't care, it doesn't understand. It is a screaming four year old child, laying face down on the ground, crying into the carpet. "This is not fair!"
There are moments when I think, maybe I should see a counselor or a doctor. Maybe this is an illness. So many people deal with depression, and you hear about it constantly in the news, on TV. Maybe that is what this is. The feeling that no matter what, you won't be good enough. The constant nagging and guilt when you don't do something as well as you know you could have. Or that empty hollow feeling, which makes you feel like you have nothing inside your skeleton. But that's not me. I'm not depressed! I am just having a hard time... Aren't I?
In the end, when the dust settles, and I throw out my pride, things are better. It's easier to get through the day-to-day. I take the time to say a meaningful prayer to my Father in Heaven and peace comes to my soul. I start to feel my heart beat within my chest, and the blood coursing through my veins. I'm alive, I know it, I'm more than just a skeleton... and better yet; I start to feel him around me again, as though he never left. Then a soft whisper speaks to my heart, I never did, I never will.
I love the end- it is so true. Satan will do anything to destroy us- make us believe we aren't good enough to be loved and heard from by God- even tell is we are depressed and make us question our impressions or revelations. He especially works overtime to hinder the growth of the church. I think of the people who will hear your strong testimony of Christ- the people you may help find truths. Satan doesn't want that- he's going to do whatever he can to keep you from it. You're Doing better, it sounds. This makes me so happy:)
ReplyDelete