Think About It

I'm not exactly sure what it is that does it to me. Is it the constant feeling that I could have changed something? I could have made a different choice, and took a different path? It runs through my mind constantly. What if I had gone along with things, would life be better? I mean, obviously there is nothing I can do to change what happened yesterday, or three months ago. I can't hop into my car and drive back to Provo, or Logan and tell everyone sorry. It's not realistic. What's really scary is that it isn't even realistic to hop in my car where I am now, and apologize. People, who aren't me, tend to forget things. They remember for a while but then it's gone. I'm not like people. I always remember.

Once, when I was living to find love, I found myself walking a few steps ahead of a handsome boy. We were in a memorial garden and I was chatting away as usual about something with no purpose. I was talking to fill the space above my head. To fill it, so that no one could see my thoughts, especially that handsome boy. I didn't want him to know that all I was thinking was, PLEASE HOLD MY HAND. I wanted him to think I was okay with things as they were. Why is life like that? Why can't we just say what we feel and be who we are? Is that what love is, being able to say how you feel and be who you really, truly, unmistakably are?

Rewinding to months before this night... I was walking down the streets of Logan on a warm summer afternoon. A different handsome boy was walking beside me, with his hand intertwined with mine. He had no clue that I was thinking of ways to let it go gently. I was scared out of my mind, and for every second of happiness there was three more of worry and doubt. I wanted to just stay by his side, and not deal with anyone else and let it be him and I for the rest of forever. BUT I knew that reality would hit once we turn the corner to my front walk. And for that reason alone, I kept walking down different streets and pulling him behind me. I couldn't let it end. I just couldn't.

When I try to focus on the idea of relationships and love. My brain shuts off. It tells me what many wise women have told me, "Stop looking for love." "Let it find you." "You are much too young." I believe these things, but I don't know them. Obviously, if I did I would be writing about how wonderful my husband is. I don't know that those are the things that bring love and romance. That bring that burden of "what will I do to  make myself better, so that I can make my marriage better." I don't know the first thing about marriage, or husbands, or even boyfriends. I know that I have loved people with a piece of my heart that I can never get back. I know that timing is everything and that if you and whoever else can't make it work when, you or that someone else is ready, then it just isn't going to happen. Those are the things I know, and that is about the time my brain shuts off.

Say something. I've always believed that we should say something. I'm not one to keep my mouth closed. I'm not one to keep my mind shut off. That's why I'm writing this. That is why I am trying so hard to convey my feelings, no matter how boring they might be. I am was the type of person that says said too much, and regrets regretted it later. I tell people what is on my mind. I can't help but do it. This is what is on my mind. I'm thinking about love, I'm thinking about friendship, I'm thinking about rekindling fires that have burnt out. I have chosen to think about these things because I want to know more about them. I want to know why these things control such a huge part of us. Why, that no matter how many days pass I still think of all the good that I had with someone, and all the heartache that made it stop.

Tell me what you think about? What do you allow yourself to process during the day?