Part One; A Life Worth Living

Earth's crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God;
But only he who sees takes off his shoes;
The rest sit round it and pluck black berries.


- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

May each of us unlatch our shoes and cram our labors with the essence of heaven, and may none of us be found plucking blackberries when a much grander, loftier work needs to be done.

- Elder Spencer J. Condie

I often find myself moseying around my house looking for something important to do. Something that will make my time worth while, and make someone else feel good. Then, I think of something great and my body says, "No, you really don't want to do any of that, you want to sleep." That is when my plan fails. Much of the time that I am awake I am day dreaming of things to come, thinking of the future. I want to put those day-dreams into action and make something of them. Yet, when I attempt to, my plan fails once again.

This past weekend, I had an amazing time seeing the people I missed and being around them, because I love them. Not only that, I got to bring along others who could see these amazing people in my life, and vise versa. I worried so much about over-reacting and being too excited this weekend. I was expecting nothing to happen to me, because my day dreams rarely come true. Now, I wouldn't exactly say this weekend was a day dream come true, but it did make me step back and take a look at what I really want.

You see, lately it has been hard for me to commit myself to anything entirely. In July I decided that I should move home to Las Vegas again and begin to save for a mission. I came home in August and started to prepare. I didn't have a job, so going attending Mission Preparation class was simple. I was on a serious high from being in Utah, where I was constantly asked what I had studied that day. I was doing well, and my plans for a mission continued. I want to serve, I want to be a missionary, and be able to share the gospel with those who don't know, or don't understand. I still want those things. Somewhere.

When I left Utah, I left a boy. It was difficult, and easy at the same time. I think mostly because we both knew that what I wanted to achieve was a great thing. It became increasingly difficult as the days and weeks passed living at home again. I felt I had made a mistake and that I needed to just go back. I knew that spiritually and temporally going back was and is not an option at this point. I wanted to be with this guy so bad, and not being there killed me. So, I found a way to visit this weekend and when I got there, I knew that I needed to tell him. Of course, it doesn't always work the way we plan. To my surprise, he said something to me, this was a new experience all together. Right then at that moment, I wanted to drop everything and stay. Plant my roots there, and see where time would lead us.

Back to reality, I knew I couldn't. I knew that this was happening for a reason, and I knew I had to make some decisions. So I left knowing that if I decide to return, I will have something there I can be a part of and grow with. As I sat down talking with this boy I ranted on and on about everything. I talked about how, it makes me so MAD that God would give me all these different things in my way. It was childish, and I knew it. I should never be mad at God, but at the moment, I couldn't see any other way of saying it. I was upset that I had gone home to realize I wanted to be back, and had come back to realize that I wanted to be home.

On Sunday when I walked into the familiar chapel where I used to spend a significant amount of my time, I knew there was a peace and an answer I could receive if I searched for it. I sat down for a minute with my previous Bishop, and one of the smartest men I know. He told me that I would be a great missionary, if that were the path I was to take. That, if I were to go on a mission, I would be able to use the things I learned throughout my life. BUT he continued on to say that, it might not be the road for me. I might have an opportunity present itself that I can't see past. He gave me advice to put my entire self to the Lord. To just go directly on in a path towards him, and nothing else. He said that, I should make up my mind, and offer my decision to the Lord, and either it would be good, or I would have a stupor of thought. As I walked away from his office and attended my meetings that day, unaware of what the night entailed, I knew that I would be okay. However, I also knew that it would take a lot of time an effort to get there.

Currently, I am considering all of my options. Even options I have thought I threw away. I'm taking everything back out of the wastebasket and sifting through it again. I have come to understand that this is a time in my life where I will change my mind constantly. I shouldn't be worried about what others think of my decisions, or if they think I can't decide on a path. I am on a path, and I am making decisions in my life. Wether or not they are things other people agree on, is not my problem. I am not saying that other people's opinions don't matter, because they do. I have always thought that, and I don't believe I will ever think differently. All I am saying, is that I don't have to do what others expect of me, I have to do what God expects of me, and that is return to him.