Letters to My Posterity: Honesty & Valentine's
Dear Children,
I'm horrible at keeping a diary or blog. I just don't have the persistence or consistent character that I need to make it possible. I wanted to write to you though, I want you to know what I go through every day and I want you to be able to laugh, cry, and be incredibly embarrassed by me. I also want you to know my struggles, my loss of faith, and my doubts. Life isn't always the good stuff and when you look online on social media, people tend to post all the great news about themselves, and all the horrible news about the world.
My goal in all of this is to write to you as often as possible, maybe sometimes multiple times in a day. Then, when I'm through I will post it in one spot and it will be there for you to look back on whenever you need it.
I'm going to be brutually honest here, and I might be dramatic as well, so just know that over-reacting is possible. It is also quite possible that I will give you way more information than I should ever tell you, but the thing is, I want to be honest.
I was at stake women's conference on Saturday and Angie Piscotta talked about the Atonement and how we have the Atonement available to us so that we can bring the darkness into the light. There has been quite a bit of darkness in my life, of my own making of course, but it is there nonetheless. This is my attempt at bring the darkness into the light. Traveling on the road of adversity with my heart on my sleeve and my emotions on my face - because I am not an actress, though I've always wished to be one.
Let me first tell you something trivial, I have this problem with remembering the type of car someone drives. In my life so far, I've dated many people, and some of them, I will look out for their car and see if it's them when I'm driving around. It makes it horrible when we break up though because then I am constantly looking for them without even trying. Recently it has been a big white dodge. Everywhere I go there is a big white dodge, not his big white dodge, obviously. And it reminds me of what was good, and what was bad- one right after the other. It is just so frustrating! My brain likes to relive the memories I've had no matter what, and in this particular case, I hate it. It's not that I want to be with him again, because I know it's better that I'm not, but when the thought comes up everywhere I drive, it's just hard. And it isn't even the last person I dated, this was ages ago now, and it is still haunting me.
I don't know what to do to stop doing it. I'm just too sensitive to the details, one of the things I have to live with. Hopefully one day, when I meet your Dad it will only be his car that I'm looking for. Yet for now, I'm not sure how to change this, but blasting show tunes seems to drown it out a little bit.
Ok, let's talk about the desert for a second. I can't imagine a more beautiful scene than those purple mountains majesty. I swear, when the sun is setting as I'm coming out of work it lifts my spirits so high you could've sworn I won the lottery. The desert sunsets and sunrises have a way of making your heart feel light. It's blue, purple, pink, orange and yellow all in one spot, it's the best. I hope that you take a few minutes every day to appreciate the world around you. God made dirt. ⛰
My Babies,
Today is Valentine's Day, and while most of the world is out buying boxes of chocolate and sweet gifts for each other, I'm thinking of you. One day, probably ages from now, I will be spending Valentine's Day driving you to school, making Valentine's and eating treats. On a day even further from that, when you might be taking the time to read this, I will be at home with your dad waiting for you to call or come by to wish me a Happy Valentine's.
Some people don't like this holiday. They say it is all commercialized and hyped up. Me? I love it. I get their reasoning, you know the, every-day-should-be-Valentines-type. But there is just something special about having one day to go outside the box, to be cheesy, buy a stuffed bear, eat at a fancy restaurant, or to dedicate a social media post to the one you love, or whatever it may be.
I hope you know what real love is. I hope you feel it down deep in your bones. I hope it makes you ache and soar all at the same time. There isn't a better way to feel, there really isn't. I hope you know that I love you that way. You're not even here yet and I love you. It makes my heart wrench thinking about losing you or fighting with you. If for any reason we are in that boat, can I take this time to say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm human, I'm sorry we don't mesh. Let's forgive each other and move on, because I love you. If we aren't in that boat and are getting along, I love you the same.
One day, when I meet your father I will spend Valentine's with him in the shelter of our home. We will laugh together and love together and we will talk about what will happen in our future. The bright spirits you will have and the difficulties we will have trying to keep you that way. And despite all of the challenges, we will decide together to first love God, then each other, then you. So that when you are grown up and loving and aching, you will have an example to follow.
Until then, until all of this comes to pass, I will spend my Valentine's getting manicures, ironing shirts, listening to live podcasts, and eating Hagen Daas ice cream, because I'm a party animal, and I know what I'm about.
Xo,
Mom
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