Happy is Good

I have a lot of ideas of who I want to be. Ideas don't really do much in my mind though. It seems like the more ideas I come up with, the further I get from understanding who I am. Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is, if I were given the chance to be anyone in the world, would I choose myself?

Right now, the answer is no.

Which is really sad, because if you think about it.. that's a lot to lose. But right now, I don't feel like I'm genuinely making a difference anywhere or doing anything spectacular. Which is also really sad because who said that we have to be spectacular to be who we are? Who made it so we feel like we have to BE MORE than what we are?

My spiritual side is telling me, God. God wants you to be more than who you are, he wants you to be the best ever, he wants you to be like him. And that is all fine and dandy except... to what extent right now? To what level? How often do I have to change to be good enough? Will I ever feel good enough here, in this life? I'm not talking about in the cosmos and the eternities, I'm talking about right now.

Then the other side of my brain sees the world and what it asks of us. Women, men, children. We are supposed to be so much. We are supposed to have a picture perfect existence. There are a lot of people trying to change that, but by changing it, are they just instilling another quota to fill?

Right now, I am anxious. I am entirely torn apart by the goal of perfection and it's killing me. I'm dying inside, a little bit at a time. Which may be dramatic but, I see it happen. I see my worries build into knives that cut the strings that hold up my heart. My stomach twists and turns and it never feels settled. I feel constantly afraid for trials, mistakes, and tests. Who will die? What disease will come? What tragedy will shape me next?

This truly is no way to live.

As I work on it. As I work on being good enough for now. (Understanding the perfection takes time and perfectionism is destructive) I have decided to turn every page and leave no sentence unread in this book of life. Who will I be? What are my dreams?

Hell if I know.

All I know is that in the moment, this feels right. It feels ok. It makes me a little less queasy and a little more excited. So, without further ado, I give you outfit pictures. Which maybe I will get better at, or maybe I won't. Maybe I'm a fashion blogger, maybe I'm not. I don't know. I just know that out of all the ideas that came to me today, this one made me the happiest. And happy is good. Right?

Jacket - Express

Dress- Old Navy

Tights- Target

Shoes -Jessica Simpson