The Sin of Procrastination

It's nothing and everything all at once. It's my inability to read a full page of words all the way through, and not skip every-other line. It's the half-listening. Even more than that, it's the conversations I have with myself. What I would say to a new friend, how I would meet my future spouse, what I would tell the police officer who pulled me over when I wasn't speeding... All of this, is all too much.

I get down on my knees to pray and my mind automatically turns full speed. I feel uncomfortable and agitated, anxious and annoyed. I can't clear my mind. Suddenly my knees feel very weak and my ability to put weight on them is shot. I take a moment to say a few things, in ernest really. I mean what I say, and I want to say more, but I just can't. Spiritually I yearn for it, but physically I feel pulled away.

Resolutions. Resolutions seem thin, unachievable and wrong. I can't tell anyone my goals, but I have to tell everyone my goals. At a loss for what to do, what to achieve, I put myself in check. Checkmate comes when it's 8pm on Saturday night and I haven't even looked at my philosophy homework yet. One week to do it, and I don't even consider it until the last 5 hours before it's due.

I open a book to shut it. I won't even open my kindle app. Three months ago I loved reading. Three months ago Gilmore Girls wasn't on Netflix. Let's be honest, the show brings me just as much emotion as a book. Then I hear Rory talk about these authors and stories and I feel the ground shift beneath my feet.

My foundation is crumbling. And I know exactly why. I am addicted to procrastination. It feeds my heart and soul, yet it leaves me cold and starving hours later. I desire more of it, more time to waste, more excuses to uphold, more of it all. It says in the scriptures, "Do not procrastinate the day of your repentance." Oh how I defy all laws! Moment after moment passes me by while my dreams fly out the window. They won't even stick around long enough to see how it all turns out.

Rory quit Yale. She quit Yale and moved in with her grandparents. She stopped everything and started procrastinating. All because someone told her she wasn't good enough. It all happened so quickly, she folded like a lawn chair, and not one of those weird folding ones either, quick and easy. The saddest moment in all of Gilmore Girls (this time around) is Richard standing there while Rory gives a "Thank You" speech at a D.A.R. function and he realizes; he could have saved her. He sees his foolishness, she is meant for so much more. She is DESTINED to achieve the greatest and best possible things anyone could achieve.

I know, I'm relating life to Gilmore Girls. Maybe I'm crazy, or maybe I'm actually beginning to understand my problem. For however much I want something, there are ten thousand other reasons to not want it. Another analogy, actually a story. It's like when your boyfriends (at the time)

sister tells you the shoes you want to wear to his Aunt's wedding aren't dressy enough. So you spend hours one night with him at the mall, and a million other places, trying on shoes. So you waste this time, this money, then you pick a pair of shoes that in the moment fits, but when you get home you realize they are too big. The wedding is the next day, so you wear them anyways. Then his sister says, "Why didn't you wear the other ones, they were so cute!" - So you want it, you get some reasons not to, then you WASTE YOUR TIME, and realize in the end, those reasons where stupid.

This is a jumbled mess. The fact is; I have a major problem here, and I can't put it off any longer. I can't wait, and sit down and write out a plan. I can't buy a planner and write random activities in it (which I did by the way). I just have to do something, ANYTHING, it doesn't even matter what order it's in or if it makes sense, I just have to DO IT. I don't even know what IT is, but as soon as I find out I'm going to make it happen! OHHHH yeah, I'm going to make IT happen like you've never seen before!!!