Gaining Weight & Learning Silence

Intentions are as intentions do, they intend to become something, to make the world better, to fight battles, to run races, they are as they seem. Good or bad. Always intending on writing but never actually doing it, fosters an imprisoned mind and heart, for me at least. Whenever I write I feel the chains lift and the load lighten. It's a beautiful thing, but as I often do with beautiful things, I keep them to myself. The best things in my life happen in the silent moments of the day, but so do the worst.

Gaining weight has never been an issue for me until now. As I go through a time in my life of relative silence, where there isn't much commotion or heartache, I feel anxious. When I feel anxious, I eat. I eat everything I can find and I eat in large quantities. It has never been this bad before, and as I watch the weight pile on, I try and remind myself to not worry. Life is good right now. It's not GREAT and it's not HORRIBLE, it's just good. Nothing more, nothing less.

As I was driving to church today I was praying aloud to God. I was telling him my testimony of change. I said to him, I have a testimony of the power to change my life through Christ. I also have a testimony of the power that Satan has, his sole employment, to destroy my life. As I sit here writing with my neck stretch out, worried about the rolls that didn't use to be there, I still know this is true. No matter how stupid it might sound for me to feel the way I do, it doesn't change the way I feel. I know that it's dumb to worry about things that you have no control over, and even at times to worry about things you do have control over. Yet, I worry, constantly and consistently.

This is confusing. I know that I can change, I desire to, I try to, but my anxiety occasionally wins. It isn't that I have a weak testimony or a lack of faith. (Although I am perfect by no means.) It just IS. On occasion in my talks with my Heavenly Father I mention to him that I am not fully there. I tell him how my intentions are good, but that they are essentially, good for nothing.

In the end, I am hoping for a W on God's side. I sincerely believe that anxiety and depression are evil tools the devil uses to make us slow to act, or even make us stop acting all together. The battle has already been fought though, and as long as we do our best to stay on the winning side, we will be happy, neck rolls and all.