On Loving Yourself

I laid out on my Mom's bedroom floor crying a really ugly cry. The kind where you have snot running out of your nose, but it's still clogged up so you can't really breathe. It was a moment of major weakness, and what felt to me, total tragedy. I spoke to her about how I was feeling and how my heart ached because of loss. She looked at me with concern and said, "What are you going to do to be happy?" I told her, "I don't know, I just want to be happy."

I can't really express how much my heart hurts right now.

I woke up this morning determined to put myself together. I got through half of the day before I teared up but I didn't let myself cry real tears.

I tried to make myself happy.

But you can't really force those things. Can you?

I basically came to the conclusion while talking to my Mom, that I don't really love myself. I think I'm really stupid, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the most indecisive people I know, I can't do anything spectacular, and I don't have the power to overcome (not the way I want to).

Then I came to another realization; I'm not perfect.

Leave it to me to expect perfection from someone who isn't even halfway there yet.

Why do we do this to ourselves? I know I am not the only one. Because it is an epidemic sweeping through the world that people are too hard on themselves.

I think, "If I had done this differently, this would have ended better." Or, "If I had been more spiritually prepared I wouldn't have fallen into such a big pit."

That is just too much. It is too much to think that I am making life so much harder for myself than it has to be.

WE CAN BE PERFECT. Yes, you read that right, WE CAN BE PERFECT. We should each strive daily for that perfection. But that doesn't mean that we are going to achieve it right away. Do you know what perfect means in greek? It is an equivalent to COMPLETE. When does complete happen? Not now. Not very soon. Maybe soonish.

I just want everyone to know that being hard on yourself is just hard. So stop doing it. If you want to be happy, and you want to love who you are, you might have to change. You might have to give up things you like, for things you don't like as much, but learning to love is part of the test. The only advice I would give to my past self would be; this doesn't work with people. You always deserve the best. You should never ever settle. Want to know why? Because God never settles. And who are we trying to become like? God. Does that mean we are never happy and are constantly looking for faults? No... that means we are incredibly happy, because we always look for the best in everything.

Sometimes we have to go through the worst of times, so that we understand and appreciate better, the best of times. Happiness isn't just simply there. It is created. And once we learn that, we can change our lives for the better.