Postpartum Missionary

There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. I've been wanting to blog about them all, but I can't seem to find the time. Really, it's crazy where the time goes. I'm not sure where it has to get to so quickly, but it will not be halted. It's just too much for me. I have a lot in this little head of mine, and getting it all out is a hard task.

Things are good. They really are. I mean, I'm dating a wonderful guy. He really is the best, you should meet him. He makes me feel safe, and happy, and all those other good things. I adore him. I talk about him constantly to people I barely know, and people I know. It's fun. That is the way it's supposed to be isn't it? See that last question?

That's where I get stuck.

How things are "supposed" to be. What does that even mean?? I'm not the average returned missionary. I was "adjusted" before they even took the tag off. What does that mean for me? Does that mean I did it wrong? Does that mean I wasn't "Forever Changed"? I don't think so. Wait...I don't hope so.

You see... it is all so unsettling. Although I adjusted quickly, I feel as though I'm going through some sort of postpartum from missionary work. I don't daydream about talking to people on the train, or wish to be sitting on an old couch in a smelly apartment in Brooklyn. I don't. I miss feeling like what I do is good enough. I miss that feeling at the end of the day when you lay down and you think, "I didn't do everything... and I'm not perfect, but I got pretty dang close today."

Purpose. Having a purpose was good. I knew each day that I woke up what was expected of me. I was expected to be a missionary that day, and nothing more (nor anything less). Now I wake up and I think..."What is my purpose TODAY?" I feel it changes every day. Every day I wake up with a new purpose, or a new standard. Every person I talk to, Facebook status I read, every blog I peruse... a new expectation is placed on my figurative table of expectations. The books are piling high, heck they aren't even bothering to put them in order, just keep on stacking! It's not like I need to know what it is you want me to do. I will just do EVERYTHING all at once! Do you see me? I'm on a tight rope juggling knives and singing soprano. It's a MIRACLE!

Speaking of miracles; The Gospel of Jesus Christ is a miracle. Because despite how unsettled I feel, or how stupid I make myself feel... I am never alone. Christ, my elder brother, has been where I am. Really, he has. He knows what it feels like to feel dumb about not going to college. He knows what it feels like when you think you aren't good enough, when you fall short. He even knows how I feel when I hear such bad news, and don't want to have faith anymore. He has felt those things. Now you're thinking... what does it matter that he has felt it too? What is him feeling all of that going to do for ME? Well, if you think about it, because he went through that...he can wrap you up in his spirit and whisper "It's okay. I know how you feel." So that you know, you are NEVER ALONE.

I am never alone. That doesn't mean I have everything figured out and I can wake up tomorrow and not feel this way anymore. No. It doesn't mean that. It means that I don't have to bear the pain alone. It means, that despite my imperfections and disabilities, he will love me. And that my friends, makes everything better.