Cowgirl- Up!

Do you ever think sometimes, "Man. I am doing something wrong." Not in the, oh no this is so bad way, but in the; why the heck am I here, way. Heaven forbid I talk about changing things. Knowing that I will write this post, read it four times, then totally forget about it. I haven't been myself lately. I haven't prayed in who knows how long. Actually, I know how long, I just don't want to say.

For those of you who don't pray, or don't believe in God, sometimes I think it would be great to be blissfully unaware. Then I realize, it would harden my heart even more then now. You could make the comparison of not praying, to not washing your face. You know you need to do it, or else things will get nasty, but you don't anyways and you suffer the consequences.

It is not that I don't believe in God, or don't think he can help me. Because, OH how I believe and OH how I know. I am not unaware, no where close. I long for things that I can't have because I don't do the simplest things. I think, everything would be easier if I could go to the temple. Then I don't take the steps to get there. Why? Because I'm lazy, and I am not where I want to be. The thing about that is, that we are never exactly where we want to be.

It seems to me that the point of, "everything is good" is unreachable. Even when your faith is strong, your mind is open, and your heart is working for others. At that moment, you are thinking how can I improve? How can I be even better? I find myself completely upset with the idea that we have to keep getting better and doing something. WHY IS THIS LIFE SO MUCH WORK? How am I supposed to love the life I have if I can't get two moments of peace?

Of course, I know my answers. I know what I need to do. I lack motivation. I lack true faith. I lack endurance. If I really wanted to succeed I would tell myself to buck up and stop being such a lazy POS and get the heck on with my life. If I really wanted to find someone to love, I would take a moment everyday to remind myself what I love about me. IF, and this is a HUGE if, I wanted to go to school, I would shovel out the cash and realize that, HEY. I'm getting no where not being here, I might as well make something of myself.

Constant short prayers to escape my lips throughout the day. I'm not saying that I haven't prayed at all. I'm saying I haven't been earnest. For instance, Please let me feel better Lord, Please protect my family, Please bless my little nephews so they don't get sick, Please oh please let this boy talk to me. Petty, true, hopeful, these are my prayers. I don't believe in the whole, "God understands how you are feeling and he has mercy on you" bit. I don't buy it. Because why would he send us down here for such a huge test if we could just slack by the wayside, and say.. Oh well he will forgive me later. No. We can't have that attitude. We have to cowgirl-up and really make an effort.

My only question is; where did my dreams go?