Building Stories
Do you ever go through those moments when you feel serious heartbreak, and you don't have anything or anyone to break your heart? Maybe it is just me, but I think that my mind gets really bored and falls into shock, then makes me think I have something to be sad about. For instance, I feel like, even though I am not dating anyone... that I'm dating my friends and that we have broken up. I haven't been out of my house in what feels like weeks, but in actuality has been a couple of days. I went gambling with my brothers on Friday night, and last night I went bowling for a half an hour. I just feel like I haven't done anything substantial. Which gambling, isn't substantial. I lost 20 dollars in just a couple of hours. NEVER AGAIN.
When I lived in Utah. Here I go again, reverting to "when I lived in Utah". But let's be real here, I was much more exciting back then. I had conversations with people, adventures, and I was constantly with friends. Being back home, again, I feel like I am becoming more and more of a hermit. Can girls be called hermits? Or is that only guys? Whatever, the point is, I don't hang out. I don't converse. I don't go on midnight walks anymore. OH! How I miss those long midnight walks with friends. I would give anything to have those back. Seriously, take my right pinky finger.. anything.
I daresay that I was more adventurous there because I was out of my comfort zone. I was not comfortable, therefore I had to do things that made me feel comfortable. Walking around, watching endless episodes of Prison Break, and having sleep overs on trampolines are what MADE me feel comfortable.
I think that something I am missing in my life right now, is feeling uncomfortable. I am so incredibly in comfort, at home watching TV with my Mom (it doesn't get more comfortable then that) that I am stuck in a rut. What I am missing is, that forced comfort. Which sounds weird; but makes total sense. It's the ease you feel when you talk to someone you haven't known all your life, or that weightless feeling when you sit next to someone you don't know and can just feel the story you're building with them.
I have met multiple people in my life that I have been drawn to. Kindred spirits, if you will. They were to me, as my glasses are to my eyes. They helped me see, they lead me through, and they made everything clear. Lately, life has been void of those types of people. Not to say that my friends that I have, aren't great, because they are. Just to say that these people, that I am drawn to are above and beyond special and I haven't met a new one in such a long time. That makes me feel lonely, and lost.
People are so important to me. I strive for the day when I can say that if were just me and God, I would be okay. Until then, I know that if it were just him and I, I would have a stroke. I can't handle all the greatness. I need to be around his work, in other beings. Small doses, small doses please.
In the end, what I really wanted to say is that I feel like I'm heartbroken, because I'm nothing. I have nothing big to share, or exciting to look forward to, and I am too comfortable. I need to change all of that, and make something happen, because I'm sure that sticking this way, is getting me no where.
When I lived in Utah. Here I go again, reverting to "when I lived in Utah". But let's be real here, I was much more exciting back then. I had conversations with people, adventures, and I was constantly with friends. Being back home, again, I feel like I am becoming more and more of a hermit. Can girls be called hermits? Or is that only guys? Whatever, the point is, I don't hang out. I don't converse. I don't go on midnight walks anymore. OH! How I miss those long midnight walks with friends. I would give anything to have those back. Seriously, take my right pinky finger.. anything.
I daresay that I was more adventurous there because I was out of my comfort zone. I was not comfortable, therefore I had to do things that made me feel comfortable. Walking around, watching endless episodes of Prison Break, and having sleep overs on trampolines are what MADE me feel comfortable.
I think that something I am missing in my life right now, is feeling uncomfortable. I am so incredibly in comfort, at home watching TV with my Mom (it doesn't get more comfortable then that) that I am stuck in a rut. What I am missing is, that forced comfort. Which sounds weird; but makes total sense. It's the ease you feel when you talk to someone you haven't known all your life, or that weightless feeling when you sit next to someone you don't know and can just feel the story you're building with them.
I have met multiple people in my life that I have been drawn to. Kindred spirits, if you will. They were to me, as my glasses are to my eyes. They helped me see, they lead me through, and they made everything clear. Lately, life has been void of those types of people. Not to say that my friends that I have, aren't great, because they are. Just to say that these people, that I am drawn to are above and beyond special and I haven't met a new one in such a long time. That makes me feel lonely, and lost.
People are so important to me. I strive for the day when I can say that if were just me and God, I would be okay. Until then, I know that if it were just him and I, I would have a stroke. I can't handle all the greatness. I need to be around his work, in other beings. Small doses, small doses please.
In the end, what I really wanted to say is that I feel like I'm heartbroken, because I'm nothing. I have nothing big to share, or exciting to look forward to, and I am too comfortable. I need to change all of that, and make something happen, because I'm sure that sticking this way, is getting me no where.
I totally feel ya on the getting comfortable at home thing. Moving home has been socially depressing because I love being home and with my family so much that I don't even try to go out and meet new people. Phewey.
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