Dead Thoughts
Have you ever thought about something until it died? This is a serious question, read it again. Have you ever thought about something until it died?
Yesterday I was on Facebook on my phone. I was going through my old messages, and when I say old, I mean two years old. That is pretty old. Anyways, the application on my phone makes it easier to look at messages, and I was going through the archives. I came across this huge conversation between Frank and I. Well to be "frank" it was more a conversation with myself, I was the only one talking. It was so embarassing to read, the whole thing was me fighting and working so hard to get him to believe that I loved him. He didn't think he was good enough to be anyone's friend and I was just trying to convince him that he was. I look back on that time and I cringe at the words I said, the way I begged, and the person I was. I am seriously embarassed for myself, my eye is twitching, that is how embarassed I am. Although it was probably very nice of me to do what I did, I still can not believe I did.
In my head, thinking of this leads me to thinking of who I will marry and what our life will be like. I go through every different scenario; How will we meet? What type of conversations will we have? Will we date for a long time, or short? What will happen if I see Frank? Sometimes I consider people I already know, and try to picture my life with them. These poor guys, they do not even know the complexity of my brain. If they did I am 90% sure they would run away screaming. Please tell me I am not completely crazy, or at least I am not the only one.
This topic has been running through my head constantly for the past two weeks, and yesterday was the tip of the iceberg. I cannot think about this anymore, the topic is dead. I have thought about it in every way I could and it has escalated to the highest point. This morning, I tried to wind myself out of it and leave my brain with a couple of solid answers but it did not work. So I am stuck with this big dead thought and a bunch of worries because I cannot give myself any answers. My mind wont let me think about it anymore, so I am just going to have to wing it.
So here's to winging it, and trying really hard to just not think about relationships. Some people say that if you stop looking for love it will find you. I hope they are right. Cause I could really use a break.
Yesterday I was on Facebook on my phone. I was going through my old messages, and when I say old, I mean two years old. That is pretty old. Anyways, the application on my phone makes it easier to look at messages, and I was going through the archives. I came across this huge conversation between Frank and I. Well to be "frank" it was more a conversation with myself, I was the only one talking. It was so embarassing to read, the whole thing was me fighting and working so hard to get him to believe that I loved him. He didn't think he was good enough to be anyone's friend and I was just trying to convince him that he was. I look back on that time and I cringe at the words I said, the way I begged, and the person I was. I am seriously embarassed for myself, my eye is twitching, that is how embarassed I am. Although it was probably very nice of me to do what I did, I still can not believe I did.
In my head, thinking of this leads me to thinking of who I will marry and what our life will be like. I go through every different scenario; How will we meet? What type of conversations will we have? Will we date for a long time, or short? What will happen if I see Frank? Sometimes I consider people I already know, and try to picture my life with them. These poor guys, they do not even know the complexity of my brain. If they did I am 90% sure they would run away screaming. Please tell me I am not completely crazy, or at least I am not the only one.
This topic has been running through my head constantly for the past two weeks, and yesterday was the tip of the iceberg. I cannot think about this anymore, the topic is dead. I have thought about it in every way I could and it has escalated to the highest point. This morning, I tried to wind myself out of it and leave my brain with a couple of solid answers but it did not work. So I am stuck with this big dead thought and a bunch of worries because I cannot give myself any answers. My mind wont let me think about it anymore, so I am just going to have to wing it.
So here's to winging it, and trying really hard to just not think about relationships. Some people say that if you stop looking for love it will find you. I hope they are right. Cause I could really use a break.
Oh yes, I know exactly what you mean. I do it too. In fact when you said it I immediately thought "yep, just had that happen with a thought last week." Problem is, mine always reincarnate and then I end up thinking them dead again...
ReplyDeleteShelby, someday the "perfect" guy for you will walk into your life and you, and him, will just know it. There is nothing wrong with dreaming or wanting your dreams to come true right now. Just keep being you. Keep living, trying new things, make new freinds, smile!
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