Resisting The Impulse: The Calm Before The Storm

Lately there has been an unsettling feeling during the first waking moments of my day. When I wake up to clinking dishes, or my trilling phone alarm, there is a moment of uneasiness. Kind of like the world is shifting under my feet, yet my feet aren't on the ground. I sit on the edge of my bed half asleep, encompassed in this great uncertainty, and dread to start the day. How on earth will I walk straight and tall when everything around me is spinning? Of course once my mind wakes all the way, that uneasiness is pushed aside by reality and I am forced to start my day.

The calm before the storm.

It is inevitable, the storm that is building. It is going to hit, and it is going to hit hard. There is no stopping it, no willing it to go a different direction, it is coming no matter what. Entrancing, making it hard to prepare against it. You tell yourself that if someone were to try and mug you on the street, you would fight back. When in reality, you know that the possibility of you doing that is limited and freezing up is more likely. I could be wrong, but this is my imagery, so let's just forge ahead shall we? I am frozen solid, stuck in a place that doesn't feed me light but darkness.

I was once told that I was given the gift of discernment. To know between right and wrong, and whom to surround myself with and trust. Currently it does not feel like it. What is discernment anyways?

To understand or know something through the power of the Spirit. The Gift of Discernment is one of the gifts of the Spirit. It includes perceiving the true character and the source and meaning of spiritual manifestations. (source)

How do I use this gift of discernment to make the most of the storm? How do I open up my mind, throw down my judgements and accusations and show love to everyone I am around? How does this discernment help me to perceive the true character of people, situations, and my own actions when I can't get myself to move during the calm?

Does God love me when I neglect to love all his other children? Is he proud of me when I can't seem to move forward when it is possibly the last fleeting movements to be able to?

Since I'm speaking honestly and trying to break down my very personal thoughts. I just want to say that I am losing faith in the institution of trust. I am not sure who I can trust. Besides myself, and my family. Even then, the line is thin and crooked. Because what kind of person says they trust them-self and then goes about judging, ridiculing and openly hating others?  Not a good kind of person.

I've found myself being annoyed by every movement around me that does so without my consent. The audacity!

How do you make yourself love others, when the world says, "they don't deserve it." What kind of person doesn't deserve to be loved? I daresay there is no kind of person who deserves to be treated that way. BUT HOW do you push aside your judgements and opinions and just LOVE someone?

Thomas S. Monson once said,"Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down. It is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances to attributes that will no dim through time. It is resisting the impulse to categorize others." (source)

Resisting the impulse to become offended easily. That is part of charity. Did you know that? Among all the struggles I have had in my life this current struggle, and impending storm seem to be the hardest yet. Alcohol, chastity, language, cheating, stealing, have hardly echoed their dull and hate-filled voices into my heart, but this. This overwhelming feeling of distrust, uncaring, hateful vibes have written a book in my mind that I fear is only getting bigger.

I want to love as Christ loves. I want to be a true friend. I want to be able to use the gift of discernment to solidify my relationship with God and help others understand just where that relationship stems from. The heart. Oh, the heart. How it's frailty and strength combat each other in a never ending war! I am trying to learn, I am eager to know, if I could just move from this frozen state and act, I would accomplish so much, I will accomplish so much.