Running Through Hell
This morning, I knew that I wouldn't be able to drink my green monster. I knew this because last night I made the decision to stop for gas and not for spinach. Which, in turn, meant that I didn't have enough spinach to make my smoothie. I am paying for this decision, big time. I've been on the green monster kick for almost two weeks now, every morning I wake up and drink one. I still crave sweets, and I haven't noticed my eyelashes getting any longer... but I have noticed what it does to me when I don't have one. I can barely make it through my day without it.
I woke up and had cherrios with banana's. Oh how I looooove banana's. I go BANANA'S over them! Haha, how cute was that? (Too cute!) Anyways... the point is, I got in the car and started my journey to school. One of my all-time favorite songs came on and I just busted out in song (I still had TONS of energy at this point) "If you're going through hell, keep on goin' don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows your naammme!!" Man, it was amazing. I started to think about how sometimes we get in these deep dark holes in our lives and they won't let us out. It's like they suck you in further and further, until you don't know which way is which. At some point you stop falling into them and you have the chance to run, that is when you bolt it like no other in any direction just to get out. I'm at that point, I'm going through hell and I'm just gonna keep on goin'. I'm not going to let the devil figure out who I am because, I do NOT need that.
When I decided to train for this half marathon it was on a total whim. I always said I wanted to run one "ONE DAY" but I just put that on my bucket list and figured it would happen when I was forty and trying to beat breast cancer or something. (I plan my life like a hallmark movie FYI... I don't want to have breast cancer, that is just an example... okay, moving on.) I never really thought, RIGHT NOW. We are doing it NOW! So, I decided to do it, and I have a bad habit of backing out of everything I say I am going to do. Especially since after Frank, you never know the extent of your unhappiness until you figure out the promise of your true happiness. It's been three weeks since I started training and it's been a rollercoaster to say the least. I've had PLENTY of mental breakdown's and I have cried more than my share of tears.
Today as I was running my long run, 5 miles, I wanted to punch myself in the face. I was so angry at myself, why was I not doing better? Why was I not living up to this standard that I had for myself? This guy at my work said I should be able to run the half marathon in 2 and a half hours. I kept thinking, HOW ON EARTH IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN? It's not. It's just not. Two miles into my run I started to get sick, (the following might be TMI but I don't really care.) I had to go to the bathroom, and not just go pee. With every step I took I was about to crap my pants, LITERALLY. I wanted to cry, why oh why was this happening right now? I got to the nearest park as fast as I could and went to the bathroom. I came out of the bathroom completely beaten up mentally. My mind was fighting with itself and it was slowing me down. I had been running for 25 minutes and had barely gone two miles. As I walked back up the hill I just came down, I started talking to myself out loud. I was screaming at myself.
YOU ARE NOT ANYONE ELSE. YOU ARE SHELBY LOU DELONG. You aren't Kaity Word, or Janaye Atkinson, or PHIL. You aren't those people. You don't need to beat them, you don't need to live up to them. You need to live up to yourself. STOP trying to be someone else. You are not SOMEONE ELSE, you are you. You have your own challenges, your own strengths, and you can't let anyone else get in your way. EXPECT MORE OF YOURSELF, but do your BEST and LIVE with that OUTCOME. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST. You decided to let go of Shaun, Frank broke your heart, GET OVER IT. They are happy, why aren't you??? Why can't you just get over it and get on with life? YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL IT'S RIDICULOUS. STOP HOLDING BACK AND GO FULL THROTTLE. You don't need to win the race, it doesn't matter what place you come in, or what your time is... you just have to finish it. YOU WILL FINISH THE RACE.
Those are just half of the things I screamed at myself on the side of the road. I'm sure the cars that passed by thought I was a nut-case, but I didn't care. I figured a part of myself out today. I made myself think differently and more postivitely. I also figured out my motto for this year.
YOU CONTROL YOUR OWN THOUGHTS.
I keep saying to people, I'm not a dieter. I don't believe in diets. I am not going to deprive myself of goodness. AKA Dr. Pepper, goodies, and such. This is true to an extent. I take food for granted, and I take my body for granted. I need to stop. I need to feed myself things that are good, things that will make me GLOW from the inside out. I need to stop giving myself things just because they give me momentary pleasure. I need to give myself things that will fuel me, that will make me feel good. I want to feel good again. I want to stop making excuses and giving in because, I AM NOT DEPRIVING MYSELF. Well guess what? I am.. When I eat a ton of chocolate, and drink a ton of soda, I am depriving myself of clear skin. Of a beautiful face that I know I have. I am depriving myself of not feeling heavy, and not having stomach aches. I'm depriving myself of having no stress, and less headaches.
This post marks the end of my unhealthy thoughts. I control my thoughts, and I am going to train my mind to think the way I want to feel. No more mister nice guy when it comes to giving in, or giving up. I'm done doing just what I want, I need to do what's BEST and what I NEED along with what I WANT.
If this were a contract, I would sign it in blood... that's how serious I am. But, this is online and it's set in type.. so here is my "signature".
SHELBY LOU DELONG
I woke up and had cherrios with banana's. Oh how I looooove banana's. I go BANANA'S over them! Haha, how cute was that? (Too cute!) Anyways... the point is, I got in the car and started my journey to school. One of my all-time favorite songs came on and I just busted out in song (I still had TONS of energy at this point) "If you're going through hell, keep on goin' don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows your naammme!!" Man, it was amazing. I started to think about how sometimes we get in these deep dark holes in our lives and they won't let us out. It's like they suck you in further and further, until you don't know which way is which. At some point you stop falling into them and you have the chance to run, that is when you bolt it like no other in any direction just to get out. I'm at that point, I'm going through hell and I'm just gonna keep on goin'. I'm not going to let the devil figure out who I am because, I do NOT need that.
When I decided to train for this half marathon it was on a total whim. I always said I wanted to run one "ONE DAY" but I just put that on my bucket list and figured it would happen when I was forty and trying to beat breast cancer or something. (I plan my life like a hallmark movie FYI... I don't want to have breast cancer, that is just an example... okay, moving on.) I never really thought, RIGHT NOW. We are doing it NOW! So, I decided to do it, and I have a bad habit of backing out of everything I say I am going to do. Especially since after Frank, you never know the extent of your unhappiness until you figure out the promise of your true happiness. It's been three weeks since I started training and it's been a rollercoaster to say the least. I've had PLENTY of mental breakdown's and I have cried more than my share of tears.
Today as I was running my long run, 5 miles, I wanted to punch myself in the face. I was so angry at myself, why was I not doing better? Why was I not living up to this standard that I had for myself? This guy at my work said I should be able to run the half marathon in 2 and a half hours. I kept thinking, HOW ON EARTH IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN? It's not. It's just not. Two miles into my run I started to get sick, (the following might be TMI but I don't really care.) I had to go to the bathroom, and not just go pee. With every step I took I was about to crap my pants, LITERALLY. I wanted to cry, why oh why was this happening right now? I got to the nearest park as fast as I could and went to the bathroom. I came out of the bathroom completely beaten up mentally. My mind was fighting with itself and it was slowing me down. I had been running for 25 minutes and had barely gone two miles. As I walked back up the hill I just came down, I started talking to myself out loud. I was screaming at myself.
YOU ARE NOT ANYONE ELSE. YOU ARE SHELBY LOU DELONG. You aren't Kaity Word, or Janaye Atkinson, or PHIL. You aren't those people. You don't need to beat them, you don't need to live up to them. You need to live up to yourself. STOP trying to be someone else. You are not SOMEONE ELSE, you are you. You have your own challenges, your own strengths, and you can't let anyone else get in your way. EXPECT MORE OF YOURSELF, but do your BEST and LIVE with that OUTCOME. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST. You decided to let go of Shaun, Frank broke your heart, GET OVER IT. They are happy, why aren't you??? Why can't you just get over it and get on with life? YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL IT'S RIDICULOUS. STOP HOLDING BACK AND GO FULL THROTTLE. You don't need to win the race, it doesn't matter what place you come in, or what your time is... you just have to finish it. YOU WILL FINISH THE RACE.
Those are just half of the things I screamed at myself on the side of the road. I'm sure the cars that passed by thought I was a nut-case, but I didn't care. I figured a part of myself out today. I made myself think differently and more postivitely. I also figured out my motto for this year.
YOU CONTROL YOUR OWN THOUGHTS.
I keep saying to people, I'm not a dieter. I don't believe in diets. I am not going to deprive myself of goodness. AKA Dr. Pepper, goodies, and such. This is true to an extent. I take food for granted, and I take my body for granted. I need to stop. I need to feed myself things that are good, things that will make me GLOW from the inside out. I need to stop giving myself things just because they give me momentary pleasure. I need to give myself things that will fuel me, that will make me feel good. I want to feel good again. I want to stop making excuses and giving in because, I AM NOT DEPRIVING MYSELF. Well guess what? I am.. When I eat a ton of chocolate, and drink a ton of soda, I am depriving myself of clear skin. Of a beautiful face that I know I have. I am depriving myself of not feeling heavy, and not having stomach aches. I'm depriving myself of having no stress, and less headaches.
This post marks the end of my unhealthy thoughts. I control my thoughts, and I am going to train my mind to think the way I want to feel. No more mister nice guy when it comes to giving in, or giving up. I'm done doing just what I want, I need to do what's BEST and what I NEED along with what I WANT.
If this were a contract, I would sign it in blood... that's how serious I am. But, this is online and it's set in type.. so here is my "signature".
SHELBY LOU DELONG
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