That time I realized being alone doesn't totally suck.

(via blinks.of.life on tumblr)

There have been multiple times in my life when I thought to myself, with complete joy of heart; "THIS IS LOVE, my goodnes, by golly, I have found it! No more searching, not for me. Because luckily, I know this great guy who is everything I have ever wanted. Man, people say it's hard, but it's not!"

The first time I thought I was in love, was in fifth grade. His name was Jordan, and he was the cutest boy in school, with the longest eyelashes known to man. All of the girls wanted to date him, and because of that, he had to choose between us. I was shocked when he asked me to be his girlfriend during Math Wars that day. Then, a week later after I made him a sweet mix tape, he asked me to marry him under the two trees at lunch. We said I do on a Friday afternoon. (I might be wrong on the day.) But it didn't last, he got sent to a behavioral school for hitting a teacher or something like that, and I moved on.

My freshmen year, I met a really amazing guy named Cameron. He was and is, a fantastic guy. I thought he was the cutest thing ever, and so did everyone else. (I have very good taste) We dated, and I thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. He was all I thought about. Then, his parents found out we were dating and we weren't 16 yet so we broke up, (Some parents don't let their teens date until the age of 16. Did you know that?) and we moved on. It wasn't too big of a deal. Especially because, now, I see him really in love and my heart just feels so happy.

There were a smattering of boys after that whom I thought I could love. One who I only talked to on MSN messenger, and late at night on the phone. Others who I dated and who I had a lot of fun with, but it never seemed to fit quite right. Until late in my senior year of high school when I met this boy who was fabulous. (Frank) He was a mystery, but also so freaking cute that I could barely stand it. I fell ten times harder then I ever had. All I wanted was for him to be happy, I wanted the best for him, and I wanted to be with him all. the. time. Well, our relationship was kind of like this song. To sum it up, he broke my heart and I didn't get over it for a really, really long time.

After that, I had another let's say... five or six guys who I thought were the "bees knees" they were all really cool. Two of them are married now, and the rest are doing great things with their lives that I am totally jealous of. Then recently, there was this guy who I was with, who I left, then I came back to for a split second. I felt like it was right, to a point. It was like this; I wanted to be a better person when I was with him, I wanted him to be happy, and I was beyond happy being with him. Honesty had always been our number one policy in our relationship, so when it came time to decide, I used the "fight or flight" response, my decision was flight. I didn't really want to run away from it, but I realized that I didn't really want to fight for it either. Maybe I didn't think it was worth the price. I agree, that's harsh, but it's the only way of putting it.

Now, I'm alone again, and this time I don't feel so helpless. It's a little heart wrenching, but nothing I can't handle. It's no where I haven't been before, and it's easier this time. I think it's because I know that I am supposed to be on my own, and that I am okay with doing things by myself. Melissa described being by yourself so beautifuly on her blog the other day. I feel the same way she does. Now, when I meet people who haven't spent much time alone, I feel sorry for them. I think it is mainly because, how do you know who you are if you can't stand to be alone with yourself? In any situation.

In conclusion, I know what love is, in different ways. I have experienced heartbreak. I have been the one dealing out the heartbreak. Neither are fun, but both are neccesary. I don't claim to be an expert, but I do look forward to perfecting my knowledge on the subject.

What do you know about love? Who was your first crush? Who do you love now?