I'm Home Sick.
This post is going to be down, pessimistic, and just plain upsetting.
The past three Sundays have been a mix of high and low emotions. Going from bliss, to serious depression. Mainly because, I have made person leaps and bounds occur within my life, but have suffocated socially. My social life means more to me then, pretty much anything. This includes time spent with family, friends, service, and other things.
This new ward that I am in, bless it's heart, is NOTHING compared to the spiritual power house that I came from. Today, I got a calling and am hoping for good to come from it. My complaint is this... I miss being active, knowing everyone, introducing myself to people. Sitting with a group of friends who loved me, and I loved them. Now, I go to church planning on sitting by at least one person who knows me. Knowing that the group they are with will just stare at me like, what is she doing here? For some reason, whenever I come back to Vegas everything just chokes me.
I can't walk up to someone I don't know and talk to them. No one approaches me ever. I feel like an idiot constantly. Whoever talks to me one Sunday, or introduces themselves to me, doesn't talk to me the next. I don't feel connected. I feel like people dislike me. I feel like people don't understand me. I feel like I am trying to hard, and not trying at all.
When I used to feel wanted, needed, loved for. I felt love towards every person I came in contact with. There was never a time when I walked out of a room without being stopped, or feeling compelled to stop and talk with someone. Now, I am out of church faster then I walked in. No one stops to say hey, and I don't stop either. On top of all this, I feel like I am closer to my family when I am further away. Plans to do things, to be active, to make things happen have disappeared. I feel useless. I feel like my spark for life has diminished.
I want to be a warm caring person. The person that people automatically know, the person that people say "She is great, she just is happy." I wish people knew the person I was when I lived in Utah. The happiness I carried with me then. I feel like she died, and is never coming back.
I am so incredibly sad, and home sick. Even though I am home. It makes no sense, and I hate it.
The past three Sundays have been a mix of high and low emotions. Going from bliss, to serious depression. Mainly because, I have made person leaps and bounds occur within my life, but have suffocated socially. My social life means more to me then, pretty much anything. This includes time spent with family, friends, service, and other things.
This new ward that I am in, bless it's heart, is NOTHING compared to the spiritual power house that I came from. Today, I got a calling and am hoping for good to come from it. My complaint is this... I miss being active, knowing everyone, introducing myself to people. Sitting with a group of friends who loved me, and I loved them. Now, I go to church planning on sitting by at least one person who knows me. Knowing that the group they are with will just stare at me like, what is she doing here? For some reason, whenever I come back to Vegas everything just chokes me.
I can't walk up to someone I don't know and talk to them. No one approaches me ever. I feel like an idiot constantly. Whoever talks to me one Sunday, or introduces themselves to me, doesn't talk to me the next. I don't feel connected. I feel like people dislike me. I feel like people don't understand me. I feel like I am trying to hard, and not trying at all.
When I used to feel wanted, needed, loved for. I felt love towards every person I came in contact with. There was never a time when I walked out of a room without being stopped, or feeling compelled to stop and talk with someone. Now, I am out of church faster then I walked in. No one stops to say hey, and I don't stop either. On top of all this, I feel like I am closer to my family when I am further away. Plans to do things, to be active, to make things happen have disappeared. I feel useless. I feel like my spark for life has diminished.
I want to be a warm caring person. The person that people automatically know, the person that people say "She is great, she just is happy." I wish people knew the person I was when I lived in Utah. The happiness I carried with me then. I feel like she died, and is never coming back.
I am so incredibly sad, and home sick. Even though I am home. It makes no sense, and I hate it.
Shelby, this post makes me so sad! Don't give up. You can do it!! Don't let other people's actions stop you from being the wonderful, friendly, outgoing person that you are! I don't know if you can believe this or not, but when I moved into 133 ward, I didn't talk to anyone! I thought everyone was so old and maybe a even a little bit weird. How wrong was I! I'm so glad I gave people a chance and started saying hi. Don't give up. When you made this decision to move back home, it felt right. Don't forget that feeling. Don't let doubt, fear, and the awkwardness that comes with making such a move prevent you from turning this period in your life into a rewarding, rich experience. You are a very special person. And to repeat myself once more: You are amazing. Don't give up.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me sad too, and sadly I can 'totes' relate. That pretty much perfectly describes my first 5 months in Utah, even a little bit now. I hit a pretty bad depression stage just before I left Vegas and even up til about 2 months ago. I'd go to church, and feel completely left out. I could have talked to people and tried to get involved more but its just an awkward place to be. The ward I am in even though it is a university ward, still only consists of people who live in Bountiful and most grew up together in one highschool or the other etc. Lots of clicks and out of 350 people in a singles ward I literally had 1 person reach out and say hello and take somewhat an interest to get to know me a little. Well there are always the leaders that introduce themselves but its feels like its more a requirement for them. I got pretty homesick, well, not even really homesick but just sick. I didn't wanna be here but I didnt know where to go, I wanted to be in the past when things were good. I was depressed a lot, found myself killing time playing video games. I used to love making youtube videos, kind of how you love to blog and felt completely uninspired. You come off as so outgoing and positive, I was very surprised to read this. Shelby you are so awesome! It may seem tough now but give it some time and keep staying active in your calling, one thing I found most helpful was to go to activities even tho I didnt know anyone there. It forced me into social situations that I would not have otherwise been in. Things still arent amazing but they are better. You just gotta keep on keepin on :)
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