On Being Alone

It all started a couple of years ago. I met this person, whom I loved dearly, and he taught me to not be afraid. To not be afraid of being by myself. I didn't need someone to come with me to the store, to the bank, to the movies. I could go alone. So, I took some initiative, and I went to see a movie by myself. My eyes opened up to who I was that day. Really, it might sound odd but it's true. You see, I learned little things about myself, my OCD type ways, my faults. When my friends heard that I went by myself to the movies, they freaked. FREAKED. They were like, "Why didn't you call!, You could have waited!!, Seriously?! Why would you do that?!" I told them it was a growing experience, and they just rolled their eyes at me.

Truly it was an experience, something I'm glad I can do. Yet, for the past week it has doubled in size. It started out with me going to see a movie by myself. Then I had nothing to do during the day so I went to go out to eat, three times. I went to the store, to the mall, and then back to eat. I ran out to Salt Lake and took tours, and skipped alone across Temple Square. I came back from Las Vegas and locked myself in my room to watch endless movies. Indeed something is wrong here. I found myself yesterday, driving back from Wal-Mart laughing to myself, because I thought I was so funny. I made a joke about a driver who didn't turn on red, and BAM there I was, catching myself talking out loud in the car to thin air.

Don't get me wrong, there are times when I need to be alone for my sanity. This, is just not one of them. I find myself falling down a deep dark hole when I spend too much time by myself. I feel like I am a self-destructive person alone. I am clamoring for real life interaction. Something to WAKE ME UP FROM THIS SELF INDUCED COMA. I have so much I could be achieving, but I just find myself pressing refresh on facebook constantly all day. REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH. Nothing is going to happen Shelby. Get your act together. Soon you will be home in Vegas with family who loves you, but people who tend to dislike you more then anything. Cherish friendships, because you are about to go somewhere where you have practically none. It's your fault for drawing yourself into a corner. This is going to be harder then you think. Time to test your strength.