I Want To Be That Girl
Sometimes, I post too much. Then other times, I don't post enough. Either way I get frustrated with myself. Does that really matter though? No, because that is not what this post is about. Lately I have been so freaking frustrated. I just don't understand what is happening. Most every day I wake up with a ton to do, things that I really need to get done. I am a huge procrastinator and it just sucks. I feel so dumb. I mean, I know exactly what I need to do, but I don't do it. It is so frustrating, I could just get things done, but there is something there telling me no. Instead, each morning I wake up, grab some mini spooners and sit my butt on my bed and watch T.V. and surf the internet until noon, or later. When what I really want to do is wake up, read my scriptures, do my yoga, go on a run, shower, do homework, write, work, blog, play with my friends, and read my scriptures some more. Why can't I do that?
(For those of you who don't read my blog, or are just passing through, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.)
I have been thinking for weeks SCRATCH THAT about a year, that I should go talk to my bishop. I have actually never sat down and talked to my bishop, just to talk, or to vent, or to fix any of my mistakes. For some reason, I feel like, when I make a mistake, I can fix it on my own. Not that I don't understand the process of repentance or anything, but I just feel like, I am forgiven, through my own knowledge of it. This though, this crazy insane procrastination and self-loathing that is going on, is so not healthy. Maybe I shouldn't be talking about this on my blog, but I am. FYI, I grew up without the priesthood in my home. I have never been close to any bishop, or other priesthood holder. I have a very strong testimony of the priesthood, seriously, there is nothing I believe in and KNOW more than that power. I can say that with all honesty. I just, I have never met a Bishop that I felt like I could just talk to. Just to sit down, and talk.
I have been thinking about life lately, about how my dreams seem so far out of reach. I feel like I need a new dream. Like I need a new thing to reach for. I need to change my life so drastically. Or do I? Do I really need to change? What is so wrong with me? Why can't I just get along with what I am doing!? I feel like, like if I shoot for mediocre, at least no one will be let down. At least my Mom will stop to worry about me finding my place in life. At least then she will know that, that is all I am good at. Just being mediocre, just selling wedding dress, or cleaning houses, just getting by. I want to be GREAT, I want to be the BEST, but I feel like, I can't be. I feel like, as soon as I try to be MORE what I really want to be, will come and I will just have to give up my new dream.
On top of all of this, to really get somewhere, I need to go to school. I hate school. SO SO MUCH. It makes me so unhappy. To really get somewhere, I have to be good at my job. How many times have I been sent home because I'm not wearing the right type of clothes? What makes me think that things are okay? Why can't I get it straight and just DO IT!? I don't understand why it is taking me so FREAKING long to get a hang of this job. I love this job, maybe because it's a job, I'm not sure. I don't get enough hours to keep me alive, so I have to find something else. I need more work, I need more money.
You see, I love myself. I do. I love the girl that I dream of being. I love the girl who is everyone's friend. The girl who instead of sitting and talking about herself, asks twenty questions about the other person's life. The girl who gives encouragement daily. The girl who can deal with anything, and is so so strong. I love the girl who jokes and laughs, and cries. The girl who is genuine and honest, and has her sights right. I love her so much, because she has an unshakeable testimony, and a love for God that is beyond the capacity for someone to comprehend. She is outgoing, and open, and loves every single minute of her life. When things go bad she picks herself up, cries her heart out, then never sheds a single tear again, because she can do it. Where is this girl? Why can't I find her? I just want to be her.
What do you think? Do you think I should go and talk to my bishop? Do you think I am in need of counsel? Because, that is what I hear bishops are for. I think I am just afraid. I'm not sure of what, but whatever it is.. I'm scared.
I think you are amazing. Truly, I do.
ReplyDeleteI would say that if that is the job of the bishop that it couldn't hurt to go and speak with him. A little guidance and advice could be beneficial to you.
Oh, and I found that girl. Her name is Shelby and she just wrote this amazing blog post. ilu bb
Girl, I am the same. I procrastinate all the time with everything. And I especially do it with repentance. I guess I just don't feel the need to all the time. Or I kinda justify putting it off with "hey, I got plenty of time to fix this". Well, a few months ago I went to the bishop and fixed something after a year. I literally felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders afterwards. I guess I waited so long because I was scared of what the bishop might say. Turns out he was so understanding and gentle about it. I was really nervous going in there at first, but once I talked with him, I felt at peace. It was amazing.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to share that with you. I learned that there's nothing to be afraid of. I promise you will feel better. You will feel the burden lifted, and a boost to your self-esteem . I promise girl. You should just maybe think about speaking with the bishop. It will only help you. And remember that you are an amazing, beautiful person, Shelby. Love ya! (sorry for such a long comment! haha) :)
I think you should talk to him and maybe even get a blessing.
ReplyDeleteFind something you are passionate about and go for it. Do something creative. You can do it.
Hugs!
I wrote a blog about this a while back and your post reminded me of it. It was about a book I recently read and fell in love with. It's by Donald Miller, and his books are excellent and beautiful. They're about theology, namely the Christian God and relationship and beauty. I don't agree with all of his opinions on things, to tell the truth, but his writings are so wonderful that I don't mind or get offended when I don't agree with something. I would really recommend reading one of his books. ANY of his books.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, the book I just finished is called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It's about story, and specifically, the story that you are living. Miller talks a lot about the idea of living a good story.
Here are some exerts from the book.
"If I have a hope, it's that God sat over the dark nothing and wrote you and me, specifically, into the story, and put us in with the sunset and the rainstorm as though to say, Enjoy your place in my story. The beauty of it means you matter, and you can create within it even as I have created you.
I've wondered, though, if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgment. We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable, then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims rather than grateful participants."
"...most of our greatest fears are relational. It's all that stuff about forgiveness and risking rejection and learning to love. We think stories are about getting money and security, but the truth is, it all comes down to relationships. I tried not to think about that stuff, but I couldn't get it out of my mind. I knew a story was calling me...And once you know what it takes to live a better story, you don't have a choice. Not living a better story would be like deciding to die, deciding to walk around numb until you die, and it's not natural to want to die."
(prepare yourself now, I had to split this up because it was too long...I apologize. If you do not read it all, I understand.)
"Here's the truth about telling stories with your life. It's going to sound like a great idea, and you are going to get excited about it, and then when it comes time to do the work, you're not going to want to do it. It's like that with writing books, and it's like that with life. People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. But joy costs pain.
ReplyDeleteA general rule in creating stories is that characters don't want to change. They must be forced to change. Nobody wakes up and starts chasing a bad guy or dismantling a bomb unless something forces them to do so. The bad guys just robbed your house and are running off with your last roll of toilet paper, or the bomb is strapped to your favorite cat. It's that sort of thing that gets a character moving.
The rule exists in story because it's a true thing about people. Humans are designed to seek comfort and order, and so if they have comfort and order, they tend to plant themselves, even if their comfort isn't all that comfortable. And even if they secretly want for something better.
I heard an interview on the radio with a woman who worked with people in domestic abuse situations. She said most women who come to her for help go back to the situation they come out of, back to the man who abused them. When the interviewer asked why, the woman said that even though most women had family they could escape to and friends who would take them in, they returned to the abusive man because the situation, as bad as it might be, was familiar. People fear change, she said. Though their situations may be terrible, at least they have a sense of control; at least they know what to expect. Change presents a world of variables that are largely out of their control. And then the woman said this: 'The women in these situations are afraid to choose a better story, because though their current situation might be bad, at least it's a bad story they are familiar with. So they stay'"
"You can call if God or a conscience, or you can dismiss it as that intuitive knowing we all have as human beings, as living storytellers; but there is a knowing I feel that guides me toward better stories, toward being a better character. I believe there is a writer outside ourselves, plotting a better story for us, interacting with us, even, and whispering a better story into our consciousness."
Maybe you need to live a better story. Maybe this is the Divine Author's way of pushing you into that better story. That beautiful story He intended for you to be living. Pushing you out of your comfort and your order and in to something unfamiliar and better.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to pretend to know your story, because in all reality I know very little. But in my opinion a good story is not one that is chasing things or even ideals. It is not about achieving a dream. It is about living, and through living helping others to live. In improving the stories of others, you will invariably improve your own. Living a good story has very little to do with what you are moving towards, and a great deal to do with what inspired you to move. This is why you must go looking for inspiration. Very seldom does inspiration find you. More often than not, inspiration comes to those who are striving towards their own betterment. Who are living an intentionally beautiful story.
I've said this a million times, but if your life were a movie, would you cry at the end? Would you be moved or inspired? Or would you feel like it had wasted your time.
I'm sorry this is so long winded, this is just something I feel passionately about. Life, and living a good life is something I feel passionately about.
But to answer your question, I absolutely think you should talk to your bishop. And not even primarily because he is your bishop. More than anything I think you should just talk to people. God did not create us to go this alone. He created us as herd animals for a reason. We need the people around us, and they in turn need us.
I didn't intend to write you this novel. But I hope it made at least a little sense.
-Lindsay
Bishops are great. Even bishops that I didn't really feel like I got along with always gave me fantastic council. I will say they are very understanding and loving but they are also frank. Pretty much the perfect kind of person to be friends with because he will be nice but at the same time tell you whats up and what you need to do. At least thats how its been for me in the past. Also they have power and authority to help you beyond their own.
ReplyDeleteshelb. i have the same problems. all my life. no preisthood. no nothing and thinking i can just solve things on my own. but listen, my bishop is sooo great! he is so lovely! he just is so involved in my life, calls me and texts me and makes sure every aspect of my life is the best ever, because i dont even have a real dad. and so he is just so helpful. i think talking to bishop has been the best thing i ever did. it helps you in so many aspects and it also shows the Lord that you really care enough to talk to someone about things. bishops are there for us to rely on and he is an eternal judge and can help you with SOOOO many things you ever will need. like someone said they are frank but SOO entirely gentle and loving. DO IT SHELB. i swear you wont regret it. you got nothing to loose.! i adore you okay! even though we even only hung out once.
ReplyDelete