Dreams?

It is not so much the feeling of home, as it is the feeling of serenity. The feeling that the mundane things of the world are no longer there. In an instant you can travel away into a magical land of hopes and dreams. Reality isn’t crushing down on you and your head feels at peace. The stone bench I sit on is chilling my body, but the rays of sun do wonders for my face, spreading freckles along my cheeks and nose. I miss the dry air of the desert, the sun seems to quench my thirst with it’s vibrant rays. As I lean my head back and look up towards the sky I can feel a sort of calm.

Suddenly my thoughts seem so overwhelming and I can feel tears gushing out of the corners of my eyes and gliding down my cheeks. I breathe in through my nose to keep the tears coming. If I just get them out now, my heart wont be as heavy. Yet, as I let the tears flow my heart sinks deeper into my chest towards the back of my ribcage. Pounding so slow that it feels like it might sink down further into my body, and disappear all together. I’m not sure what I want to do with my life. Every possibility crosses my mind, from botany to hair care and the air-force to the hospital. What am I good at? What are my talents? My mind starts to race, student loans, debt, rent, a job, part time, full time, twice a week. When will all this madness stop? When do I get to stop worrying and start to breathe?

I reach in front of me to the right of my feet and pick up a tennis ball. I feel the coarse skin that covers it, and pick at the pieces of grass stuck inside it’s threads. Twisting and turning it seems so solid, so stable. Why can’t I be like that? Maybe the only excuse is that I am human. That I am just another person without a path, without a dream, that doesn’t seem so far out of reach. I lob the tennis ball into the pool kitty-corner from my bench. It makes a light plunk and retreats to the surface to float. Again, with the analogy, why do I seem to be drowning in the water? Why can I not float above the pain like the solid and stable tennis ball?

My mind wanders further into thought and I find myself in the midst of painful emotions. Failure, giving up, letting go, over-estimating my abilities. Who makes these emotions anyways? Who wants you to feel so weak, so insecure, so... worthless. Of course the answer is clear, but in the middle of my struggles I seem to conclude that the only devil here is myself. It is all because of my own self destructing habits that get the best of me, and leave the worst for others to figure out. Where do you finish when you are not sure where to start? How do you achieve when you have absolutely no dream?