I Can Feel My Heart Break

It was a Wednesday, just like any other Wednesday, or so I thought. He walked in front of me a good ten feet, keeping a steady and sure pace. This was the first time in a week that we had seen each other, and I was begging for his touch. Instead he walked ahead, like a man on a mission. The red and gold swirls of the casino carpet made me dizzy as I looked down, so I focused my attention on the buffet sign that was getting closer and closer. He stopped in front of the entrance and looked back in my direction. I focused my eyes on his, but they weren’t looking at me. They were looking straight through me, as if I didn’t exist. It hurt my chest and my breathing hastened. As I took my last step next to him, I forced a smile through the tears that were building in my eyes. “What is wrong?” I said aloud, he assured me that nothing was wrong, and took my hand to lead me into the restaurant. As we stood waiting to pay a feeling of relief washed over me as my good friend walked from around the corner. Dressed in her kaki attire she would be seating us, I spoke with her about nonsense things, wishing I could explode with all my thoughts. Why was he acting this way? What did I do? Who hurt him? I wasn’t sure what to think, but before I had time to say much we were being seated.

The dinner was uneventful. He never held my hand, he didn’t look at me for longer then thirty seconds, and the conversation was dull. We talked about Dr. Pepper and Funyons and how we wished we could eat junk food all the time. Nothing of consequence seemed to happen. Finally dinner ended and we walked through the busy lights of the casino to the parking garage. We climbed into my car and started the drive home. Halfway through the drive I reached for his hand, and intertwined it with mine. I thought to myself, I’m so glad I have found this person, who I love so dearly. I wish that he would tell me what is bothering him, so I could do my very best to fix it. Within those thoughts mixed the ever present fear of me being the problem, the reason he was upset. I tried to push those thoughts aside but his hand was dead in mine, and because of that, they wouldn’t dare leave. We drove in silence all the way back to my house.

When we got inside he immediately went to the couch to lay down. He groaned about how tired he was, and how he had to wake up early for work. I sat at the kitchen counter and put my forehead to the cold hard granite. My heart was pounding so fast and I felt like, like I had done something horrible. Like I was the reason he was feeling this way, like I wasn’t good enough for him. What did I have to do to be good enough for someone I loved so much? The tears started to form again, and as one slid down my cheek onto the counter I felt his arm around me. “Why are you crying?” he asked, seemingly puzzled by my mood. “What is wrong? Why are you acting this way? Is there something you aren’t telling me?” I sobbed with my head still on the counter. As if it were a reflex, his arm flew from my back and he stepped away from the kitchen back into the darkness of the living room. “Come sit with me.” he said as he sat back onto the couch. I stood up and dried my tears, what was going to happen next? Is there something I don’t know? I sat next to him on the couch and buried my face into his shoulder. I just wanted him to hold me, but it wasn’t going to happen. Not tonight, not ever again.

I sat in disbelief staring straight into his eyes as he told me he loved me, but that he just couldn’t be with me. He said he felt like he was holding me back, like I was better off without him. Not to mention he would be gone in five months for two long years. I was anything but speechless. As soon as he finished his lines I crossed from the couch to the audomin across from him. I took his hands and my voice was shaky yet so unbelievably strong, I had a hard time believing what was coming from my mouth. “I would do anything for you, I love you. Please don’t leave me right now. You are all I know, you are everything to me. Two years might be forever, but it will be okay. I will be here, I will be here.” Somewhere between these lines I found myself on the floor on my knees, staring up into his face. I was bawling, crying so hard that my breathing was short breaths as I spoke. “Please HUHHH don’t HUHHH leave HUHHH...” I just kept saying the same things over and over. He removed his hands from mine and stood up. He walked over to the kitchen and sat on the floor underneath the dual ovens. I ran to him and sat in front of him grabbing his hands again. “Give me a real reason!” I yelled. I actually yelled at him. Anger seemed to replace my tears and I couldn’t cry anymore. I just looked at him with swollen eyes and demanded an answer.

There was no answer, there was no reasoning or comfort. All he did was say what he said before. He got up and headed down the hallway to the front door. As he reached for the handle I turned him around and hugged him. I kissed him on the cheek and begged once more for him to rethink his decision. “I love you, I’m sorry, you will be so much better off without me.” Then, just like he walked into my life, he walked right out. The door shut behind him and I ran to my bedroom, slammed the door behind me, and retreated to my closet. I called my closest friend and cried for ten minutes on the phone as I told her the story. I could barely find the words to use as I told her how badly my heart hurt. How it ached and how the pain was just too much. Like someone had stapled a heart to my chest, then ripped it off without a care in the world as to how it made me hurt.

When I fell asleep that I night, I fell asleep crying, sobbing, my heart was breaking. The next morning I woke up with the sting of tears in my eyes bawling and crying and my heart was still breaking. I never believed that you could feel your heart break. I thought it was just an exaggeration. I was so unbelievably wrong. My heart broke into a million different pieces that day. I went to school, I cried with every word I spoke. I went home, and cried until my head was about to explode. Then, all of a sudden, as if someone just turned off a switch in my brain, I couldn’t cry anymore. I called a friend who was far away in California. I talked to him for hours, he calmed me down, he made me see the truth for what it was. That, I had just had my heart broken and that I would never be the same again. All I needed to do now, was find myself again, pick up the pieces and start anew.

FYI I wrote this for my English class I had to write a non-fiction creative piece. This situation happened a long time ago, I just wanted to share my work with you guys!! I hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!