This Isn't a Pitty Party
Today has been a really rough day. You might not think life could be rough, when you are just sitting around packing, but it happens, trust me. I've known my entire life that I have more than what is average. I have been spoiled to the core by my parents. I have the biggest safety net known to man, they pay for my car insurance, and my school and all that stuff. Yeah. I am spoiled. I have a pretty nice car too. (Not to be conceited) Most of the time though, I don't feel spoiled. I don't feel like I have a safety net. That is just the honest truth.
When I moved back from Logan it wasn't just that I couldn't afford it. I couldn't afford it, but I also had this strong feeling that I needed to be where my family was. It was this huge aching inside my heart, and I'm not sure if it was just me missing them, or if it was for real. Either way, I came home deciding to be better and be there for my family and try to be better to them. Throughout most of my life my family has taken a backseat to everything. I love them, don't get me wrong.. I just didn't like to be around them. Until I wasn't around them, then I realized how much I needed them, and how much they gave to me. They love me with everything they have and I am really lucky to have that.
So upon returning home I fell into this rut of not doing anything. I hung out with three people and that was all. That was a huge difference from Logan where I met a new friend almost everyday. I wanted to be left alone and I wanted to stay alone. I don't know exactly what happened inside my head, but if I could explain it... it feels like I have been slowly going insane over the past few months.
What do I want to do with my life? What can I do now? How will I support myself? What is going to happen next? All those questions stopped. Mainly because I was home, in my safety net, and really I could give a shit less. I stopped thinking about the future, then one day the future thought of me. I decided I needed to get out again, I needed to experience something new. A great opportunity opened up and I was right there to be blessed to get it. I still have no idea what I want to do, how I will support myself, or even how much money I have in the bank. I have no idea. Because I am the worlds best procrastinator, and the worlds worst decision maker. I can't even listen to a voicemail on my phone because it creeps me out. I hate picking where to eat because I hate deciding things, and don't even get me started on calling to make doctors appointments.
I need work. I need to improve. I AM LISTENING. I am not good at doing things and getting things done anymore because I am selfish and I want only for myself. How am I going to figure this all out? I don't know. I really don't. All I know, is that I am moving to Provo Utah tomorrow morning at 8:30 am and I am going to live there, find a job, and try and figure it out. That's all I can give you. Sorry isn't enough, sorry doesn't fix anything. All it does is let you know that I am still the same person I have always been. Confused, indecisive, and impractical. Sorry. Whoops. I didn't mean to say that. I just meant to say... It's who I am. I'm trying to fix it, I really am. I know you don't believe me. But I am trying so, so hard. Something inside me just isn't working right.
I'm that same person.. no joke. I hate listening to voicemail because I think it'll be someone I don't want to hear. And picking somewhere to eat? That's just something I don't do. I say.. feel good that you've made this life decision! It's more than most people (including myself) have the courage to do. And have faith that things will work out.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously- you're not alone. I'm sitting here comfortably in my parents house where all I have to pay for is my car payment. Where I still get spoiled to death and taken care of.. and I'm still so undecided about my future. I know I need to move out, but don't know how..or where.. or how I'll get a job or pay for bills, or anything! And I honestly don't even want to think about it.
Ok.. that turned into something about me.
Honestly though.. I think you'll do well :) It's hard to change but it's worth it.
Shelbster-You know how much I heart you! I feel redundant saying it but it is the truth.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing woman and there are great things in your future!
The point of life is to learn lessons...so learn some good ones and some bad ones.
I hope you find your place in Provo..although I really wish your place was in Cali so we could hang and be bff's.
Have a safe trip dollface!
xoxo
I think sometimes just pushing yourself out into the world, like you are now by moving to Provo with no set plan, is the best possible choice. You'll figure things out through necessity and through coming across new experiences you never considered.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I'm struggling a lot right now with life's big questions and uncertainties so don't listen to me. Still, I have faith in what you're doing! You inspire me! And I can't wait to hear what comes next for you.
Have a very safe trip to Provo--I'm anxiously awaiting your next update. :)
<3 Katie
You have found an apartment down in Provo, right?
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, keep trying to find what you are supposed to do. I am cheering for you!
Um hello, you are on the road now and I am sure crying because that is what I do every single time I leave home. Yes it is true, I still cry when I leave my parents house after 3.5 years and being married for 2. It happens. Family is the most important thing in the world and it is ok to want to be around them. However I am super excited for you to be out on your own! What a fun experience to get to have new chances to learn.
ReplyDeleteGirl you are adorable and I can't wait to see what you do in Provo.
When you get to Provo you MUST
ReplyDelete-get bread from the Provo bakery
-go to J Dawgs
-sled down the hill by the Temple(rubbermaid lids work fine)
-sit outside BYU's Tanner Building because that is where all the HOT businessmen go to class
-eat at Rumbi's. It's like a hawaiin Cafe Rio.
-wave hello to Jana for me
-wait for me to get back in April before you get fancy and go to Spark, ok fine, you can go whenever you want
You'll like it I promise. I happen to be the most homesick person in the world and I loved it. I also feel like we wrote very similar blog posts haha, weird.
good luck. i kinda know how you feel with the whole negative self evaluation. it took me hitting close to rock bottom the last couple weeks to realize how much i have gained and how much i had. not only that but how awesome i am.
ReplyDeletegive yourself some credit. i mean you got yourself this far and you've helped others get where they are too.
for me the great thing about being a procrastinator seems to be that when i force myself into a position where i have to make a decision it generally turns out for the best. i mean you're shelby, you'll make it happen.