All By Myself...
I don't know what to say.
This is not a first, but it feels like it.
It feels like my words are stuck inside my brain waiting to come out, but never reaching the point of forming into a sentence, so I can't say a thing.
There is so much to do this week, with so many different obstacles. I feel like I'm about to join a three ring circus. Moving out, leaving family, get the car checked, I wish I could get my hair done, buy things, save money, be with people, and say goodbye to people. So much to do. So little time.
There are days when I just want to stop growing out my hair and cut it all off again. Cut it short and keep it that way. Then most of the time, I want it long and flowing. For some reason I have yet to feel BEAUTIFUL with my short hair. I feel like there are a million girls around me everyday flipping their hair in my face. It takes so long for it to grow, I want it to hurry.
Sometimes I just don't want to be around people. People just need to step back, and leave me the heck alone. This isn't a game, and I'm not ready to play so just go away. Stop asking me to do things for you, stop trying to talk to me. I'm done. I love these people, and it might be cliche, but it's not you... it's me.
What on earth is happening inside my heart. I'm about to be super honest right now. Ever since that day on twitter when I was jokingly betrothed to MBP's Calvin, I feel like the whole blogging thing has gone to far. Yeah, it's funny, it's great. I do believe them, that they are nice single mormon boys, but still not knowing who that person is, and never seeing that person. It makes me feel like I'm living in a world that isn't mine. It's the internet. I know, it's a joke. BUT I can't help but relate the situation to my life now. This isn't my invitation to you for a pitty party, but I don't feel like I am worth it. I don't feel like I am good enough for any guy. No guy wants me, no guy would like to date me. Maybe some guy does, but do I have that feeling back for them... no. I don't. I don't have feelings back for anyone, because I feel like I've been set on a shelf, in a cabinet, under lock and key. Like I don't deserve that type of happiness.
Then I turn myself around, and face far away from any mirror and say, Shelby. You are awesome, you are loving and great, and you try so hard for yourself. "For myself" that stops me in my tracks. I'm trying hard for "me", only for "me", I'm dying inside. I want to help others feel better, I want to lift and encourage and serve. I need to. If I don't, pretty soon I will be lost to everyone, especially myself.
For the record, I love twitter, I love joking around about being betrothed to Calvin. I think it's hilar. I just feel like, I should be joking around in real life, with someone who's face I have seen. Get my drift?
I need to be better, for someone. For God, should be my answer but my answer right now is, who? Because I feel like I need to be better for someone who I can see, and they can see me. You all know I believe in God, but everyone has those times when they just go... "Come on now, let me see your face. I need to SEE you." What do you do when you feel like that?
right now, we are twins. 'cept i don't even have a fake internet boyfriend.
ReplyDeletewhat do i do? cry. hold it all in. smile, and try to act like everything is okay when i am falling apart inside [sometimes, people even believe me]. i shut down. i don't let people in, because they have it all together and shouldn't be bothered by me. i mentally abuse myself, and stay home. then i feel even worse.
i need to find new ways to deal. those don't do me any good.
-hugs- maybe it'll be better soon!
Shelby love, I hate when I start feeling like this. It is rough. I know you aren't looking for people to throw compliments your way but, I heart you.
ReplyDeleteYou are so funny, you ARE beautiful, and if I could get away with a cute pixie cut...I would do it in a heart beat!
I also think the guy who finally snags you is going to be one lucky fella. Truly.
You deserve happiness and I hope that you soon find it.
xoxo
You are a total babe! I don't know why you think your hair looks bad! I thought you looked smokin tonight at the party! You are awesome and don't forget it. I don't just say these things because you are my sister. I mean them I wouldn't say it if I didn't. You are awesome. You are awesome. You are awesome. Keep your head up it is going to be a busy week for you. Love you.
ReplyDeleteShelby, I LOVE this post. I know how you feel, with everything you just said. I hate when people say to me "im so sorry, things will work out". So Im not going to say that to you. But i am going to say that i know how you feel, so if ever you need to chat it up with someone who understands, you can talk to me. I know we havent really talked before, but pretty sure you, kaylen, and I are going to be living in the same town. so pretty sure you should become our real life friend :)
ReplyDeleteMy moms side is mormong. My dads side is Catholic. Last week as we were leaving my grandpa's house my uncle said he couldn't understand why my sisters and I weren't already married. In Virginia the church is very different and in my singles ward there are not many people to date. People who have gotten married in my singles ward married people from different cities, states and countries.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing. You are lively. Optomistic. Caring. Genuine. I wouldn't have you changed for anything.
Knock Provo's socks off. They need a little spice in their sugar.
I concur with Ash!.. But the good news is that you're moving to a new city.. full of new and exciting adventures that are waiting to be had! You are hilarious- spunky- full of life- and beautiful! and just think of girls with long hair as gutless pansies... because all girls with long hair only have it as a security blanket and are too insecure to make the leap to fun, short, sexy hair [myself included]! so be proud!
ReplyDeleteMake some new goals or something to bring a challenge! Go to Provo having a new outlook or turn a new leaf! Moving and starting a new adventure is a time to show who you really are and maybe make a new go for yourself! There are billions of mormon dudes in Utah-- especially Provo... your bound to find a couple that suite your fansy! and if not then we'll just be bff's in real life when I get out there in AUGUST! 8 months to go!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) loves