Who Am I?
Sometimes in life it seems like things are slipping away. Like time is moving too fast for us to catch up and we can't seem to get things to slow down. That's how it's been for me for the past while. I've been procrastinating so much that it has become routine. I think of something I'm going to do and then I plan on not doing it, because I figure, "Well it won't happen anyways." It's sad. It's really heartbreaking, and looking in on the situation I could fix it so easily, but I don't. I think it's mainly because I don't want to do something that is overwhelming, or hard. I just want to have fun. I want to play and do nothing else for the rest of forever.
I know that wont be possible, and I know I am being ridiculous, but I don't have any idea how to stop myself. How do I stop something that has become so routine and normal for me. I feel like a failure by design. Isn't that in a song or something?? I don't know. There are things I need to work out, like my health. First and foremost, I have to make sure I'm ok, and until I know for sure if I am or not, everything else is on hold. Second, school, I don't want to go, but in order to have health insurance I have to take a full load. Third, what do I want to do with my life? What kind of career do I want to have? The list goes on and on. I just don't know what I'm good at. I love kids, but I don't know if I could work with them. I love to write, but I hate doing it for a class. I could do something with leadership, but I think I might have had that boat come and go. Everyone is in their third semester of college. I'm finishing my second, and I am no where near figuring out what I want to do. It seems like all of my friends KNOW they all do, and no matter how much they say they don't they have a plan and that is better then me.
I want to be happy. Even though I have great friends and great people around me, I'm not happy. Something is missing and it's really starting to weigh me down. What's happening to me? Why am I not the person I planned on becoming when I was in high school? Why do I do the things I do? I feel ridiculous saying this but sometimes... when I look in the mirror, I'm not sure who I see.
I'm sorry if you read my blog today looking for hope and optimism and good warm feelings. I'm good at making others feel good, but I can't seem to do the same for myself. Maybe tomorrow.
EDITED TO ADD:
As I sat and reread this blog post I was thinking of this quote that I heard once and I couldn't find it. I can't explain what is said exactly, but instead of finding that quote I found this one... I'm pretty sure it's true. It turns this around a little bit, but I'm still hurting and I'm still trying to figure out who I really am.
"Do not try merely to discard a bad habit or a bad thought. Replace it. When you try to eliminate a bad habit, if the spot where it used to be is left open, it will sneak back and crawl again into that empty space. It grew there; it will struggle to stay there. When you discard it, fill up the spot where it was. Replace it with something good. Replace it with unselfish thoughts, with unselfish acts. Then, if an evil habit or addiction tries to return, it will have to fight for attention. Sometimes it may win. Bad thoughts often have to be evicted a hundred, or a thousand. But if they are to be evicted ten thousand times, never surrender to them. You are in charge of you. I repeat, it is very, very difficult to eliminate a bad habit just by trying to discard it. Replace it."-- Boyd K. Packer
What do you replace procrastination with?
I procrastinate with my entire life! Srsly. I am so bad when it comes to that!
ReplyDeleteTrying to figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life is one of the hardest choices to make. I took me a long while before I knew that psychology was what I loved.
Just start searching yourself. Just go out into the world and be Shelby...you WILL figure it out! I have faith in you!
xoxo
you can comment on people's blogs? whoa.
ReplyDeleteyeah, what she said, you shouldn't give up. i've been trying to figure out what i want to do for 4 years! all i have are 2 words to show for it. really its just 2 things i might want to do because i've been pressured so bad i picked 2 things so that i would have an answer when people asked what i wanted to do.
you still have plenty of time to make a decision, especially if you are just in your second semester. we're not always who we wanna be and we just can't do what we want all the time, which in a way is a good thing. otherwise some people would live in the world...of warcraft and never leave.
don't be a gloomy goose haha the sun will come out tomorrow maybe?
Hm, well this is a deep post, so why not a deep comment? I know we arent really friends anymore, and lets be honest I dont know why, but thats ok. I still read your blog from time to time and im glad i did today.
ReplyDeleteI find comfort in knowing that im not alone in feelings.
I sat in my bed tonight curled up in a fetal position while my ipod that is full with music that i listened to in high school played. I just let my heart bleed..because i dont know what happened to me and who I wanted to be, i dont know what im doing, I had these exact same thoughts before I got on the computer.
Anyway..if you are anything like me youll take a little comfort in knowing some one else is struggling with the same thing..and we all know whe felt it all for us. turn there.
I could have written this myself...
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to find your place in this world, especially since we are being pushed, from a very young age, to go in a certain direction. Maybe because of what our parents expect from us, or what we expect from ourselves, or maybe because life just turned out that way. Yeah, we're all going a certain direction, but that doesn't mean that it's not ok to wonder if it's the direction you want to go in. Sometimes you need to take a good look at yourself and figure out who you were. Who you are. And where you want to be.
You'll find your way. Don't give up, okay?