Telltale Wishes

Sometimes I get really emotional. So emotional in fact, that I can't sleep but I can't move, and all I want to do is just lay in the fetal position and watch Gilmore Girl re-runs until I die. In fact that would be a wish come true at this very moment. Usually when my emotions kick in it is when I am out and about, and people are talking. They are saying things like, "it will be ok" and "it's just a test, for extra measure". The words "it's only a needle" and "it won't hurt that bad" come from their lips and my heart just comes crashing to the ground. I have no need to re-explain my hatred of the dentist to y'all so I wont. Doctors in general just scare the crap out of me. I'm not sure exactly why, but something in my heart just stirs and it hurts and I am completely unable to control my tears. I know they aren't going to hurt me, and they only try to help, but honestly they are scary.

When I was younger and my oldest sister Emily was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer I didn't know what to think. All I could do was let the tears roll up in my eyes and hope she would be ok. I wasn't really sure what all of it meant, but I knew it wasn't good and I knew she didn't feel good. The day she came home from surgery and radiation and we couldn't touch her, or hug her. I just stood in the kitchen and looked at her with tears in my eyes and thought. WOW she is so weak but so strong at the same time. A couple of years later we made the trip up to Salt Lake to visit with "the best doctors" to see what was wrong with my other sister Jordan. For me, the trip seemed like a good time, I got out of school (I think) and I got to be with my family and hang out. Then we walked into the hospital and down to where the doctors office was and I just thought to myself, I wonder if these doctors can fix her, so she doesn't have any pain. Then I saw the play place and was totally fine. It never really hit me how much she went through until I moved to utah in the summer and heard through the grape-vine of her struggles and her pain. I cried for her, and hoped so much that she would be able to accept help and learn to live with what she had been given.

Between times like these my Mom and Dad would joke about, what disease I would get. I mean they were 2 for 3 why not me? Of course they were joking and of course it was just out of coincidence and such. Sometimes, I wished something big like a health issue or a life changing problem would happen to me so I would get attention. The attention I wish I had gotten when my sisters went through their times of hurt and pain (go through). Maybe attention is a bad word, affection is more like it. Now I know that, that was a stupid wish. Because no one wants to be unhealthy or have problems. I'm 100 percent positive if my sisters could change anything in their life it would be having to go through those problems. They would wish to be healthy. Like me. I'm healthy, for the most part.

That is why going to the doctor scares me so much. I feel like, because I am the person I am nothing will be wrong now, but something else will happen later. Maybe not to my health, but it will happen and it will be bad and I will be tested to see if I can handle it. I'm not sure if I am strong enough to handle it.

Tomorrow I will be getting my blood test done. After which, sometime next week I will be getting and MRI and possibly a neck scan to see if anything is wrong. My drooping eye was the start of it, but it lead to a routine check up and a "prominent thyroid". I'm sure nothing is wrong and everything is fine, but I can't help but be scared for the unknown. That's what God is for though, he helps us fight the unknown and opens our eyes to the good things that can come. He will always be next to me in my life, as long as I make room for him.