Mum's the Word

I really shouldn't post late at night, crazy things happen late at night. There is not much to say, because I'm not sure what to say. I find that keeping your mouth shut has it's perks and it's major downfalls. I mean, I am pretty good at being quiet and letting people mess things up on their own. Have you ever been the witness to a conversation that is slowly but surely going to the gutter? I have many-a-times, and while I enjoy awkward people, awkward situations are a completely different thing. What do you say? Do you crack a joke? I mean, you could do a multiple amount of things but only one thing will work and the others have that very high chance of being offensive.

I talked to my mom tonight for a good hour and a half about everything that is going on in my life right now. How things aren't turning out the way I had them planned, and how I hate going to college. I guess I should have realized I wasn't a college girl when after four years of planning and primping that I almost had a mental breakdown. Really. I did... Anyways, what she was telling me is that I need to be happy for myself, do what makes me happy, then others will be happy in return. Something I have probably known, but never considered. All through high school it was about making others happy.

It was about making friends feel wanted, when they felt like they were excluded. It was about making sure that I checked all my bases and always constantly looking over my shoulder making sure no one was mad at me. Then it came to be about Frank and what he needed, how he felt. If he wasn't happy, I wasn't happy because that meant that I wasn't doing my job. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I just MAKE this one person (who meant everything) happy? I must of been a defect. Or so I thought.

Then one day I stopped being friends with people that had me on tip-toe. I ruined 3 year or 4 year friendships in a matter of weeks and I was done. I still am done. I can't handle the drama, or the woe is me stuff. I couldn't make those people happy and I realized that, they had to do it on their own, and I had to get out while they did it. Mainly because I was about to self combust. Still, after doing this, ruining friendships but saving myself. I wasn't as happy as I could be. Or I was happy for a while, then not, then yes, then no. It was a huge circle of crazy-ness.

I know what I want to do with my life, who I want to be. I want to be a Mom. That's all. It's just figuring out what to do until then that is the problem. It's figuring out who to endear myself to, who to make efforts with and who to not.

Making friends is hard, because you want to impress you want to be someones smile on their face. When in reality, you should be your own smile. I'm not sure what to do next, and I guess that is where I have to start.

What next?

What tomorrow?