October 2008 vs September 2009
I'm going to be honest with you, right now, things aren't so great. There are certain things that make me happy, like Gossip Girl, Carter, and hanging out with Danielle. But the truth is, I am struggling. Everyone struggles, everyone has those times when life just isn't working out mentally or spiritually. It's not that I don't believe in myself. I could get myself out of this wreck, but I can't seem to stop being stubborn. I feel like I am standing in the middle of the hottest desert with my hands to my sides, palms up, face towards the sky and I am just screaming at the top of my lungs.
You don't realize how far down you are until you have to be strong for someone else. You don't realize how much knowledge you have lost from being gone until you come up to a situation where you need to be smart.
I know my Heavenly Father loves me, and my friends, and everyone on this earth. For some reason though, throughout my life I have had trouble loving him back, giving him everything, and not asking twice. Are you hard-pressed to give up something you love, for something that is better for you? I never know. I never really truly understand what I have lost until I have gained something else. Then, and only then do I see what I had.
I was reading through my old blog posts from October 2008 and I saw this one that I had written, and all the comments were great, "you are an amazing writer, you put thing into perspective". It hit me hard, I don't do that anymore. Because I haven't cared. I just want things for myself not for anyone else. I'm trying to change that, but it's harder then it seems. In that same post I talked about how I worried so much, so often. I don't have that problem anymore, my problem now, is that I don't care.
Sometimes when we try so hard to kick a habit, we end up finding a new one. There is a middle ground somewhere out there that is waiting for us. For me. I'm not who I want to be.
I thought that by moving back home I could be closer to my family, have a good head on my shoulders and understand what it is like to do it on my own. My Mom will love to hear this, you are right, I am wrong. Even when I say you aren't I know deep down you are. I just can't admit it, it's a sense of pride. I have fallen so far down, because I don't have to keep myself up. I don't HAVE to get money to pay for things, because I don't need anything.
Off of that subject, I really just have lost my spirit. It has gone away and hasn't been around me. It doesn't like me very much these days, I'm kind of a wench. I used to be so strong for others, because I did not really care what happened to me. I would be fine, just as long as they were.
I know Christ lives, he died for my sins, and made it so I can have eternity. I just have to respect that, I need to reclaim the solid foundation I once had. The foundation that was built of factors like, it's not your life, you have your agency, God loves you, Family is Forever, and making good healthy choices. That foundation is one that will not faulter, it may be hit, but it wont crumble. It might be defaced, or taken advantage of, but it will not lose. I will not lose.
So here's to trying, here's to being someone else's rock, someone else's good feeling. Cheers.
You don't realize how far down you are until you have to be strong for someone else. You don't realize how much knowledge you have lost from being gone until you come up to a situation where you need to be smart.
I know my Heavenly Father loves me, and my friends, and everyone on this earth. For some reason though, throughout my life I have had trouble loving him back, giving him everything, and not asking twice. Are you hard-pressed to give up something you love, for something that is better for you? I never know. I never really truly understand what I have lost until I have gained something else. Then, and only then do I see what I had.
I was reading through my old blog posts from October 2008 and I saw this one that I had written, and all the comments were great, "you are an amazing writer, you put thing into perspective". It hit me hard, I don't do that anymore. Because I haven't cared. I just want things for myself not for anyone else. I'm trying to change that, but it's harder then it seems. In that same post I talked about how I worried so much, so often. I don't have that problem anymore, my problem now, is that I don't care.
Sometimes when we try so hard to kick a habit, we end up finding a new one. There is a middle ground somewhere out there that is waiting for us. For me. I'm not who I want to be.
I thought that by moving back home I could be closer to my family, have a good head on my shoulders and understand what it is like to do it on my own. My Mom will love to hear this, you are right, I am wrong. Even when I say you aren't I know deep down you are. I just can't admit it, it's a sense of pride. I have fallen so far down, because I don't have to keep myself up. I don't HAVE to get money to pay for things, because I don't need anything.
Off of that subject, I really just have lost my spirit. It has gone away and hasn't been around me. It doesn't like me very much these days, I'm kind of a wench. I used to be so strong for others, because I did not really care what happened to me. I would be fine, just as long as they were.
I know Christ lives, he died for my sins, and made it so I can have eternity. I just have to respect that, I need to reclaim the solid foundation I once had. The foundation that was built of factors like, it's not your life, you have your agency, God loves you, Family is Forever, and making good healthy choices. That foundation is one that will not faulter, it may be hit, but it wont crumble. It might be defaced, or taken advantage of, but it will not lose. I will not lose.
So here's to trying, here's to being someone else's rock, someone else's good feeling. Cheers.
Maybe a big part of making positive changes in your life is to recognize that some changes are needed. You're already there, and that's half the battle! You'll be okay...just hang in there! Daily prayer and reading in your scriptures will help you so much to become closer to Heavenly Father.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))) to you! :)