Light it Up

Today I was driving and the thought came to me, you have changed ALOT, you are not the same person you used to be at all. I was thrown back to where I was at when I graduated last year. I thought about my main focus and what it was. Frank. That is all I thought about, and all I focused on. That and school, I was determined to stay in Vegas and be content with it, just be happy with being in the same place I have always been. People did it everyday and I thought that since everyone else was doing it.. why not me?

That winter I started thinking about my future, my possibilities, and how long I would be waiting. Two years is a really long time to be stuck in one place. I made my decision to get out and I went along with it, even when at times I felt like second guessing. Then suddenly my world came crashing down on top of me, and the only plan that wasn't destroyed was school. It stood firm in place on the center of my palm as everything else fell and teetered on the edge. I decided to go crazy to do whatever, whenever and follow the crowd.

It wasn't until New Years Eve that I realized there is magic in certain people. There is this spark that ignites them and gives them the gumption and the knowledge that they had. I met this boy New Years Eve and when I saw him I just felt like I was connected to him. MAGIC. Yet, as one of magics best tricks, it disappeared. Poof, gone. That is when I really felt it, I felt myself morphing into something else, into someone who was fragile, yet hard as stone. Blended together I was this weird unfinished marble piece breakable on the surface but hard within. I wasn't going to confuse my head or my heart more then was necessary but if I had the chance to fall into love again I would have jumped.

I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but it is, well, bittersweet. Bittersweet to look back at who I was and see my emotions high and running rapid. I confess to letting that old part of me back into my life on occasion. Making it more and more unhealthy each time I do it. You see, I am so, so different, but so much the same. I caught myself guarding against friendship the other day, judging and shielding my heart. I judged right, but it was still wrong of me. I will always guard against certain things, without fail.

The point is, I am building a new haven for my heart and I'm using my knowledge from the past and my view of the future. It is working, and it is neat to see the person I am now, compared to who I used to be. Knowing that soon, I can posses that "magic" that I found in someone else, and be that for someone. I look forward to being someone's spark in life.