ALL OF MY THOUGHTS AS OF RIGHT NOW...

I feel like I could stay awake and write for ages. I need to keep writing and open up my heart and let out some of what is stuck inside. I feel like I have finally let go of something that I have held onto for so long. It's like a flood, when the water is rushing towards the back of the fence and it just keeps pushing it way through. Finally breaking the fence and opening a space big enough to explode inside of. I'm not sure what to do with all this love I have given back to me. Do you understand what I am saying? I feel like I have passed the point in my life when I felt like my love was gone and was taken by some unknown spirit. I truly have so much now, and I don't know what to do with it. Like when you have a BBQ and you have 30 more hot dogs then you do have buns. A hot dog just isn't good with out a bun. Remember when life was so easy. You decided what you wanted to play outside with your friends. That was as far as your decisions went. My worst worry right now is where to put this love. Obviously no boy/man/guy is worth giving it to at this point in time. I could put it all into the gospel and learning about my heavenly father, but I feel like this is a different type of love. I can't walk around with it bottled up inside. It is literally giving my heartburn. My chest is aching and pounding like I never knew before. I just feel like I have so many better things to be thinking of. Like memorizing the menu at Sizzler, changing my major (again), seeing my family, making money, going out at night without Jane, running, doing Yoga, doing the dishes and emptying the dishwasher instead of letting things pile up. I should really be thinking about how I need to be doing more for others but all I can think about is me. I feel selfish. I feel like I have been thrown back to high school, when it didn't matter who I was with, what I did, because I could just walk out. I need to remember that this isn't high school and I am not that person. I want to be someone else. Yet, I just labeled myself as something so critical and annoying that I'm not sure if anyone would believe me now. When I said that I was something else. When I tried to tell them how I wanted to be her. This girl who does everything the right way and even when she slips up she is still happy. I really want to wear my heart on my sleeve and show everyone who I am. Who do you think I am? How do you perceive me? Am I risque? Am I annoying? Does my voice make your shoulders crunch up when you hear it? Did you use me? Did I just help you get out of that awkward stage? If so, that is fine, just let me know. Of course I will be hurt. I am an emotional person. Someone calling me their friend gives them a kill-pass in my book. (Kill-pass means killing someone and me not telling) If that is all it takes for you to get one of those, just imagine what I am thinking when you change your mind about me a fraction to the left instead of the right. I could be wrong, but I think that about means that you would hurt me. I don't know why I am like that, except for the plain reason that I just want everyone to be good and I want everyone to except my love and cherish it. I swear I clean it everyday, and it isn't too confusing. Sometimes I get so many words in my mind I just can't stop to think about what I have written. That is what this post is about. Just endless thoughts. I am so tired and trying to handwrite this would be hell. Instead I have typed out my every thought for you to see and examine with your own two eyes. OR you can just skim over and press *mark as read* on your google reader. It's okay by me.

The End.