Tears

Tonight, everything is making me cry. I really miss home, my home where my parents are. They are the best people ever. I can't believe I am doing this on my own. It is so crazy and irregular and BIG. Remember all the times I said I was ready and that I NEEDED this? Well, I did NEED this, but I wasn't ready. It makes me so upset sometimes.

I don't have a job, I have been trying SO HARD.

I don't know what to do about residency.

I have no idea how to go about making any money to get by.

I really need to be happier.

My mind is going a mile a minute. For some reason, everything that happens to me annoys me. I just don't want to sit and talk anymore. I don't want to look anyone in the eye or be answering the same random questions over and over again. I can't eat another bowl of cereal. Well, I can because I have to, but really. I just never understand when these moods come about me. I have this deep feeling to stab something. Why? Because I feel like some evil aura has come around me.

The other day I was at the temple doing baptisms. I have never been to any temple besides the Las Vegas temple. It was so different. I can't say much, besides the fact that, it was loud. Why was this peaceful and eternal place so loud? Why were all of the temple workers gabbing and talking away about things that made no difference to this life? I don't want to know about the deer you shot last weekend, or the new Wal-Mart opening up in Providence. It really did upset me. It shouldn't have, I should have been able to zone out all of those things and make the most of my experience there. I just couldn't. I don't know what went over me, but on the way home I just broke out into tears. I couldn't breathe and tears were just gushing from my eyes. I just couldn't get over that small experience. It's a temple, they are all the same, the spirit is the same. I was fine until the end. WHAT HAPPENED?

I got so upset last night, we had gone out to play tennis and eat tacos at Cafe Rio but I was just not up for it. I didn't want to be out as soon as I left the house I was wishing I was back inside. I think this feeling is homesickness but at the same time, it can't be. Because it is so much bigger then just not being home, it is everything inside me. My heart is hurting. Especially after writing to Frank and just having this empty feeling inside me, like I am a shell that no one wants to be in. AND even when someone is interested, I can't let myself go. I can't be anyone else. I feel like I have to get a new soul and start over, but it is impossible. I can't do that. I can't make that happen. Where is my safe haven? I love heavenly father and I can kneel down on my knees and work harder at talking to him. I just want to be able to spill my soul to someone who loves me here. I guess it is only a matter of time.

It's been a long week.- WHY IS IT ONLY HALF WAY OVER?

Love, Peace & Hair Grease

Shelby Lou