Knock Knock... Hey God?... Can we talk??

So its been a pretty horendus week, let me just say that much. Sunday morning until now.. everything has been a blur and a mix of insane emotions, that I probably wont share completely here, but some of you will know what I am talking about and some of you wont. I dont think I have relied more on my heavenly father like i do now.. ever before. I really have never been the one who is constant in saying her prayers, or trying to make a difference in her life just by doing one thing to "Change". It has been a hard week for some reasons to remain nameless, but are obvious and because I am ill.. Not deathly ill or anything just got a cold and its not seeming to go away. YES I went to the doctor. :D Now this whole blog thing isnt for you to pitty me, or anything close to that. Its to open your eyes to what really matters, even when things seem to be going dead wrong.
I personally believe that god puts people into our lives for a reason. Wether he keeps them there or not is his deal. If you are treating them with kindness and loving them like you should then they will stay, or they will be peeled away from you. It happens, people come and go, life gives you people and you learn to love them. I know this to be true. I just really dont like it when he takes them away from us. Sometimes they are our crutch, like Lori.. She was my crutch my right hand girl, the person I stood myself up against. Now it feels like we arent as close, she is far away and its hard, very hard. Its hard to tell yourself you will be ok, when you cant make yourself feel that way. I doubt a lot and I worry even more. Worrying is like, who I am in a way. It is what I do and it has pretty much taken me over. I worry so much about everything, I worry about my family, my boyfriend, my school, my job, my church, my pets, if i am going to make it from here to there saftely, MY FRIENDS, if i eat another cookie will i gain 10 pounds or magically loose 3, if i talk to much will it give me time to listen, if i am praying but not pondering does he still answer my prayers, do these people who say they love me really love me? The list can go on and on and on. Im telling you its a chore. I job, and a duty sometimes. I hear sometimes its good to worry then some people tell me, shelby you worry to much. Dont worry about me. I WILL BE FINE. but I can see you breaking up inside. It hurts me to see you hurt. I dont like it.
God will never worry too much. He cant, he is perfect. If someone said god was worrying to much god would say, im not worrying im making sure my plan works. Or something brilliant. Because God is brilliant. He is everything and everyones source of comfort, peace, love and he knows what you need and how to fix your broken heart. What I'm trying to get at here is that, I have used people in this world, friends, not so much family, but friends to lean on when I am not doing my hottest. I have used people to my advantage and I think, that just maybe I have used up all that I can. I have never relied on God, I have always used him as a last resort, and that hurts him and I can feel that now. He is wondering why, why I didnt just come to him in the first place, instead of wasting my time searching for someone down here, who cant do the job nearly as well as he can. He wants me to love people and to talk to people and give them all of my heart, but he doesnt want me to rely on what they say or what they do, or dont do.
This might be a little to deep for the BLOGGING world but I figure, if i am learning a lesson from this then maybe someon else will learn something from this too. I tend to be a little selfish, and possesive, and I KNOW THAT. but I never do anything to fix it. I always leave it alone and let it eat at me. I am way too needy for my own good sometimes. But this isnt a blog to trash myself because I realized just now I did a lot of that in the past few sentences. I think that I have what it takes to be high up there and to always be optomistic, I think I used to be back in the day. I was pretty happy all the time. NOW WAIT... Im not saying Im not happy. I am... I have everything an 18 year old girl would ever want. An awesome boyfriend, who I do love, very much. (the whole possesive thing comes into play there :( sad to say) a family who cares about me even though I am a total brat half the time. (im sorry), friends who love me and I am sure of it (you know who you are) and of course a job, money, pets, clothes , shelter, school, and the best of all Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. That's just the one thing I need to really remember. I am so negative all the time and most of the time I dont realize it.
Last night Danielle and I were talking and we were talking about the book "The Secret" now I have never read this book and I'm not sure who has but I guess the whole point in this book is to tell yourself you can. I will have a good day, I will have x amount of money by the end of this month, and just keep saying it. Just keep saying this WILL happen and I WILL have this.. and it will come to pass, your mind will take some control and bam it will happen. So I want to put that out there to people, think I WILL think positive... Think about things that are going to be happy and good for you and they will happen. Now im not saying this will always work, I WILL ROB A BANK AND NOT GET CAUGHT. ok thats a bit extreme dontcha think? Thinking is just something I wish I never did, but know that without it I wouldnt get anywhere.
To end this wonderfully long blog, I just want to go back to the title.. Knock Knock... Hey God?... Can we talk?? God has no waiting lines, no busy signal and he is always GAURENTEED to be there, no matter what, always and forever. You didnt have to sign a contract or give away your soul you just chose to follow Jesus and now you are here. Free to choose AGAIN which path to follow. Our God is a God of incredible miracles and talents, he has made this earth and many places like it for us all to dwell on. In time, we can return to him and we can become like him. But for now, we must stop asking him to talk to us, and just start talking to him. He might no answer right away or in the way you want him to. His answer may be no when you so much wanted a yes, but you have to trust him, hes done this a lot longer then you have so let the EXPERT work!