Thoughts & Writing
I haven't written in a while. It isn't because I don't have anything to say, it is mainly because I'm not sure how to say it. I worry a lot about putting my opinions and thoughts out into the world, and not even so much for fear of what people will think, but for fear that they won't stick.
Someone asked me yesterday what I wanted to do with my life. I told them, "I don't know what I want to do." And it wasn't a lie, I really have no idea what I want to do. I do know who I want to be though. I want to be selfless, kind, smart, obedient, funny, faithful, trusting, open, and full of love.
I have been neglecting my body lately. I have a problem with food and how much I love it. The bad part is, I don't love good food, I love crappy food. The past two nights for dinner I've eaten two huge bowls of homemade popcorn covered in spicy butter. I put on my church clothes today and was angry at myself for not taking care of ME. I've known for a while now that my relationship with food isn't very good, and I constantly think about changing it, but then I find myself at McDonalds and I feel guilty as soon as they hand me my food.
My relationships with a lot of things hasn't been so great lately. I know what I need to do, I have the desire to do it, but instead I just curl up on my bed and go to sleep.
I think it is interesting how you can be okay and not okay at the same time. How you can be lost and found in the same moment.
Things I've written lately:
I overcame something a long time ago. When I look back on it now it feels like it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Standing on the edge of the curb hugging my arms close to my chest, I realize something huge; it has been too long since I have felt good enough.
----
You never know waking up that you're going to die. You don't usually awake in the morning with that feeling in your chest. That's where the death feeling lives you know, in your chest, just beneath your heart. And when the time comes, it engulfs the sides of your heart so quickly, you barely notice it there. But sometimes, and it is very rare, you feel it creep slowly centimeter by centimeter making its way to the front and center and then, just as you feel it closing in, its gone, all of it.
Two steps forward and three steps back.
A milky white vase sits on the nightstand holding bright orange colored daisies. It holds the promise of something bright, yet artificial, just as her life did. Something that is poignantly temporary, mocking the time left. She didn't know that though, she thought her days were as numbered as the sands of the sea. No end in sight. Would she have thought differently had she known, had she any clue of what was to become of her?
Honestly, probably not.
As the feeling of death emerges from its hiding place it fills the space like light in a dark room, it pushes away the dark- but the total opposite. Somehow, death doesn't play by the same rules as everything else. It pushes out the light. Just when you think you have it all figured out, it proves that you never have and you may never will.
Someone asked me yesterday what I wanted to do with my life. I told them, "I don't know what I want to do." And it wasn't a lie, I really have no idea what I want to do. I do know who I want to be though. I want to be selfless, kind, smart, obedient, funny, faithful, trusting, open, and full of love.
I have been neglecting my body lately. I have a problem with food and how much I love it. The bad part is, I don't love good food, I love crappy food. The past two nights for dinner I've eaten two huge bowls of homemade popcorn covered in spicy butter. I put on my church clothes today and was angry at myself for not taking care of ME. I've known for a while now that my relationship with food isn't very good, and I constantly think about changing it, but then I find myself at McDonalds and I feel guilty as soon as they hand me my food.
My relationships with a lot of things hasn't been so great lately. I know what I need to do, I have the desire to do it, but instead I just curl up on my bed and go to sleep.
I think it is interesting how you can be okay and not okay at the same time. How you can be lost and found in the same moment.
Things I've written lately:
I overcame something a long time ago. When I look back on it now it feels like it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Standing on the edge of the curb hugging my arms close to my chest, I realize something huge; it has been too long since I have felt good enough.
----
You never know waking up that you're going to die. You don't usually awake in the morning with that feeling in your chest. That's where the death feeling lives you know, in your chest, just beneath your heart. And when the time comes, it engulfs the sides of your heart so quickly, you barely notice it there. But sometimes, and it is very rare, you feel it creep slowly centimeter by centimeter making its way to the front and center and then, just as you feel it closing in, its gone, all of it.
Two steps forward and three steps back.
A milky white vase sits on the nightstand holding bright orange colored daisies. It holds the promise of something bright, yet artificial, just as her life did. Something that is poignantly temporary, mocking the time left. She didn't know that though, she thought her days were as numbered as the sands of the sea. No end in sight. Would she have thought differently had she known, had she any clue of what was to become of her?
Honestly, probably not.
As the feeling of death emerges from its hiding place it fills the space like light in a dark room, it pushes away the dark- but the total opposite. Somehow, death doesn't play by the same rules as everything else. It pushes out the light. Just when you think you have it all figured out, it proves that you never have and you may never will.
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