Day 4 - A Habit
A habit you have, that you wish you didn't.
I have a habit of what if'ing, second guessing, and self-loathing. Man. I have never really admited to that before, and it sure feels good. You know how some people say "I'm not pretty" or "I'm so fat"? I'm the kind of person that cares nothing about what I look like on the outside, but is constantly saying. "Was that rude?", "Oh my gosh I'm such an idiot." or "No one cares." It's a horrible habit that I wish that I could break.
What happens is, I always over think everything which leads me to what if every relationship. Everyone I come in contact with, what if that person and I were this kind of friends, what if we got married? Then I think, no they wouldn't want to be friends with me in that way, or marry me. I'm just a crazy girl who can't make up her mind and is floating around doing pretty much next to nothing.
I second guess everything. I always think about what I will say to my boss, or what I will say to a co-worker or friend. I'm always running a complete conversation through my head. It sucks because I never end up saying exactly what I want. Then, when I'm with people I am comfortable with, I say what I want, then second guess if I should have said it.
Lastly, self-loathing. I pretty much hate the way I am. I hate how I get cranky at work. I hate that I can never make eye contact with people. I hate that I only half listen, even when I'm trying really hard to really listen close. I hate the way I laugh and the way I tell stories, and most of all, I hate that I never can let go of things that are gone.
Sometimes, I will sit on facebook or my iPhoto and just look at pictures from high school, or from Frank and just hate what happened. I will think about all the possiblities that are never going to be possible, and all the friendships I ruined. It hurts inside.
That is my bad habit. Maybe it's more of a bad characteristic, but it's the only REALLY bad habit I could think of.
I have a habit of what if'ing, second guessing, and self-loathing. Man. I have never really admited to that before, and it sure feels good. You know how some people say "I'm not pretty" or "I'm so fat"? I'm the kind of person that cares nothing about what I look like on the outside, but is constantly saying. "Was that rude?", "Oh my gosh I'm such an idiot." or "No one cares." It's a horrible habit that I wish that I could break.
What happens is, I always over think everything which leads me to what if every relationship. Everyone I come in contact with, what if that person and I were this kind of friends, what if we got married? Then I think, no they wouldn't want to be friends with me in that way, or marry me. I'm just a crazy girl who can't make up her mind and is floating around doing pretty much next to nothing.
I second guess everything. I always think about what I will say to my boss, or what I will say to a co-worker or friend. I'm always running a complete conversation through my head. It sucks because I never end up saying exactly what I want. Then, when I'm with people I am comfortable with, I say what I want, then second guess if I should have said it.
Lastly, self-loathing. I pretty much hate the way I am. I hate how I get cranky at work. I hate that I can never make eye contact with people. I hate that I only half listen, even when I'm trying really hard to really listen close. I hate the way I laugh and the way I tell stories, and most of all, I hate that I never can let go of things that are gone.
Sometimes, I will sit on facebook or my iPhoto and just look at pictures from high school, or from Frank and just hate what happened. I will think about all the possiblities that are never going to be possible, and all the friendships I ruined. It hurts inside.
That is my bad habit. Maybe it's more of a bad characteristic, but it's the only REALLY bad habit I could think of.
Everyone has bad habits - that's why we can work to change them!
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