Catch Me If You Can

I've never wanted to be a bad friend to anyone. I've always wanted to be that girl who everyone looks at and says, "She is a great friend- truly timeless" or something semi-flattering like that. I guess it's the same as being humble. You aren't humble if you say you are. I don't mean to hurt people and I don't mean to push people away. There are just some days when I wake up and I can't take it anymore. I can't take being in the same routine, the same thing over and over. I just want to be alone. Oh how I know how to get myself there. Alone. Have you ever really thought what that word means?

single, solitary; unaccompanied, unattended. Alone, lone, lonely,lonesome all imply being without companionship or association.Alone is colorless unless reinforced by all; it then suggests solitariness or desolation: alone in the house; all alone on an island. Lone is somewhat poetic or is intended humorously: a lone sentinel. Lonely implies a sad or disquieting feeling of isolation.Lonesome connotes emotion, a longing for companionship.

Maybe I don't want to exactly be alone or by myself. Maybe I just want a "longing for a companionship that is mine, and mine only. Most of the time in high school, I got tired of sharing. Yeah it's selfish, yeah it's dumb, but I wanted one friend that was MINE, MINE to tell everything to, MINE to know that they would never say a word about me to anyone else if I had asked. Not even if it was a worrying thing.

I have friends that I know would be there for me in an instant. IN AN INSTANT. I love them for that. There are people, I would be there for in an instant, even if they don't believe it. They might believe that I hate them, or dislike them, or cannot stand to be around them. That is not the truth. The truth is, and this might sound wrong. They know too much. They know way too much, about me, about my soul, about who I am, how I am. It's not only that, it's so much more. It's an aching feeling in my heart that pushes and pulls. It pushes away saying "No I can't have this friendship." Then at the same time it pulls at my heart strings thinking "look what you're missing."

That is when the heartbreak happens, when people get hurt because of me, because of my.. "GET ME OUT GET ME OUT" freak out mode. I can't handle the pressure, it's not that it doesn't hurt me. It KILLS me. I just have this feeling in my heart that aches and gives me so much pain thinking about re-opening those wounds. Those times when my guard was safely down. None of my friends that I have ever met, that I know of, have tried to hurt me. They loved me, and I just couldn't sufficiently love them.

I can't bring myself to apologize. Because I feel like there is no way I could fix anything like this with an "I'm so sorry." That would not be enough. Never would it be enough. I do it so often that it feels like it just is expected. I look at people and say, One day you wont be right here anymore. Because I can't handle it. Maybe that is what is wrong with me. I'm so selfish about my heart, my feelings that no one can break through. I can't be hurt again. I wont let it happen. I feel like a child on the top of hill saying, "You can't catch me!"

And right now... you can't. Don't mind me, while I try and fix myself.

p.s. after reading a comment from a fellow blogger, whom is now my blogging friend. I do have to clarify one thing. My friends, never let me down. They just all of a sudden know too much or something like that, not always but most of the time. I've had one person truly hurt me to my core and it has taken me so long to fix it. Some days I would like to think, you can't fix what isn't broken, but it definetly was broken.