Force

"In physics, a force is an interaction that causes an affected object to be pushed or pulled in a certain direction. This results in an alteration to the state of the object's momentum. Force causes objects to accelerate, add to the object's overall pressure, change direction, or change shape."


I have spent the last seven months of my life avoiding force. 


Sitting here looking back my soul just cringes at the passive way I have been living. I think of all the nights spent at home sitting in front of the TV with my dog and mountains of food. I spared no expense to drown myself in sorrow or to be paralyzed with self-hatred, anxiety, and depression. 


I wish it was simple for me to start and end each day with intention and purpose, to feel useful, capable. Instead I feel boxed in and worthless. It is as if I wake each day just to see that it will all get worse. No bright mornings or easy starts, everything overshadowed by a cloud of pain.


One morning as I was getting dressed for the day I saw my body in the reflection of the mirror. Heavier and softer than it has ever been, my mind started to plow through the false truths I tell myself. You will never be good enough. You can't even make your bed in the morning. You can't be consistent. You can't take care of yourself. You are ugly. The list droned on and on. Then, snap! Out of nowhere my brain finally caught up to the words that were spewing out of it. Rapidly recoiling into myself I shouted out loud to the walls of my bedroom, "THIS IS NOT THE WAY WE ARE GOING TO START THE DAY!"


I live in this place. 


This place of hating who I am and feeling dark and useless to the world around me. 

I didn't originate from this place. I wasn't born here.


Yet, I find myself unable to understand or push through to where I have been. Paralyzed by feelings of inadequacy and fear, I can't seem to gain access to the hope of light, the force for good, that I know can dispel the darkness.


Then today, this word came into my mind. 


Force.


I had the clear impression that I need to be using, force.


The only way out will be to push and pull and alter my momentum.


And for some reason, this word feels different to me now than it has before. In the past I have always felt that if I tried to force myself into something that it must not be meant to be. Figuring that I wasn't consistent in something because it didn't bring me happiness or joy. 


Maybe, just maybe. I need a little bit more pressure in my life. I need to force myself to change. To wake up. To love myself. To make my damn bed. 


Maybe the force I place on my mental health will cause me to gain momentum towards lasting happiness. Maybe it will help me find truth where there has been so much doubt. Maybe it will propel me into a better version of myself.


Force.


I think it might just work.