Word Vomit

A note to the reader:

These thoughts are vague, and scattered at best. I sat down and rambled out sentence after sentence without stopping, it was therapeutic. If you so happen to enjoy them, or feel connected to them at some point, I'm glad. If you are lost and confused, well....

I imagine life would be easier without it. My thoughts would be clear. The ability to write would come easier to me. Yet, I don't change. I don't set back what has been picked up. Continuing to fail since as old as my memories allow. Each of us are different it is true, not one the same. Similar in values but not experiences. Opening new doors and having to shut the old has never been easy. Again and again I pick up what is better left alone. I leave doors open that should be burned down, leaving the admittance impossible. Never understanding why I do the things I do exactly, just making waves to make noise, noise where there is silence, chaos where there is the absence of peace but no real stillness. Avoid it they say, take every precaution to move around it. It's like moving around a traffic cone, it doesn't change the fact that the damage is still there, sometimes you even end up driving over a piece of the damage, a dip in the road, a bump to hurdle over.

Never did I think I'd be in the position that I am. Grasping for light. It is so hard to think about who you be. Who you be, who you are when there is nothing else. I am.. I am.. I get lost just within those three letters. I-a-m. Lost, confused, angry, frustrated, happy, cautious, stupid, fake, ignorant, joyful, fearful, calm, lazy, alone, dishonest, ready, reckless... so many things to list and so little reason to list them.

Have you ever taken a personality test? You know, the ones, where it tells you what kind of personality you are, red, yellow, green, blue... You begin the test and they say, be honest, think about who you are and answer these questions, but don't think too much, go with your instinct! Well damnit all to hell if my instinct isn't broken! Did you know, could you tell? Honestly, I read those questions and I just want to answer neutral for all of them. IN THE MIDDLE, I say! I am in the middle. The middle of what? The middle of wasting away your time, energy, resources and life on things that don't even really matter? Wait, no, I love my life. I'm grateful and thankful but don't know how to show it. I'm lost in a world of not knowing how to answer personality test questions. I DON'T KNOW, and yes, that's my final answer, no life lines! I'm sure it's correct, and I will take that million dollars and pay off all my debts. Especially the ones that I don't owe yet.