Ok

I want you to know that it's ok to not be ok. My brain never lets it happen. I never feel ok, being sad, or upset, or happy. It all just feels unworthy of my attention. And so, in the mix of all the different emotions that one feels throughout a lifetime I find myself sitting down at the end of the day thinking, that wasn't good enough.

What is enough anyways? What is the feeling of being satisfied of being ok will mediocrity, being okay with high functioning anxiety. I don't know. I don't have an answer for anyone anywhere and I surely don't have the confidence of mind to be clear. To unite my thoughts with my words and connect them through keys into type and have them pushed out into the universe and actually mean something to someone, somewhere.

This entire year has turned out the opposite of what I thought. I've tried and failed and failed and tried. It has all come out great, bad, and in between and I just don't know how to approach it. You could liken it to the old question, How do you eat an elephant? - One bite at a time. Except, I'm standing beneath and elephant and I'm not sure if I even want to touch it, let alone take a bite.

Loneliness is my enemy and my constant companion, unrelenting and unforgiving. It is my comfort zone. Put me in a room filled to the brim with people I love and after twenty minutes I will want to escape. Run me out of town, lock me up and throw away the key.

Happiness is such a sweet thing. It touches just the surface and still you know it is there. Watching, waiting, hoping you will notice.

One day I might be embarrassed by these writings, by my goals and my plans, by the feelings I had. But I need to remember that, that doesn't change the now. This moment right here it is encompassed about by drama and feelings and that is ok. It is ok to not be ok. It is ok to not understand why or how. You got this. Have perspective. Take a deep breath and be ok with this right here. You got this.